This isn't about you...

It is all about me.

This is my journey.

This is my path.

This is my life.

This is my passion.

You have nothing to do with it.

It is not about who is on top or who is on bottom.

Frankly darling I don't give a damn.

It will be tit for tat.

I will have it my way.

I will meet my needs one way or another.

Look out, because I am about to leave you behind.

I am growing

I am evolving

I have a voice

I have a heart

I have a mind

I refuse to sit silent and idle

You will hear me

You will feel me

You will see me

as I fade to black

From Pain is Growth...

I have heard it said "If you're not having any fun, you must be doing it wrong." 


I wonder if the same could be applied to growth? "If growth doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong." Even better we could apply it to love? "If loving isn't painful you're doing it wrong."


I am dealing with loss. It is my loss, my choices and I readily admit I am here in this place because of them. Ultimately no matter how conflicted I feel, I know I made the right decision. I might not have did it in the most elegant manner, but this experience has made me realize quite a few things about myself had it not happened at all.


My Daddy passed away June of 2001. He died of a massive stroke 6 months after his visit to my home here in Utah. His first ever visit and conversation after 10 years of silence. It was as if the universe had rewarded me for my "good behavior" on one hand, and then saw fit to take him away. It left a huge hole in my heart. He was my daddy and after all that time, I was once again Daddy's girl.


I fell in love with a man who filled that massive hole in my heart. He soothed that ache that I didn't realize that was there.


This person did what others couldn't do. He stripped me bare, made me feel vulnerable, but most of all made me feel **safe enough** to be vulnerable. This has been a double edged sword for me. On one hand I thank him for this, on the other hand I curse him for this. Now I am vulnerable, but far from feeling safe and secure in my new found vulnerability.


I thought I wanted to be owned, be "slave". Thought it would be a type of freedom that I had searched for. Security & safety that I never had within my marriage.


I quickly found with each step through this looking glass I would have had to compromise my views, my needs, my definitions, my authenticity to make this dream come true. I fought tooth and nail. Spitting venom, both literally and figuratively kicking and screaming. I hurt people and have apologized. I deeply regret it and wish I could press rewind so I could have said "No thank you" from the start. I don't, however, regret loving, trusting or being striped of my emotional armor.


Out of this, has come both positive and negative for me. I have more clarity. Property, for me, is an unattainable fantasy. Slave is not in my genetic make-up. Neither are any of the other "labels" this site likes to banter about. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with being a woman. 


I am not okay with being the vulnerable little girl but it is a part of me that I cannot deny. Because I choose to be this way, I lay alone at night, sometimes crying, sometimes just being okay with feelings and emotions. I have always learned lessons the "hard way" this lesson could not have been learned any differently. 


I may not be a financial wizard, I may not be a perfect parent, I may not be the perfect sub/slave/property. I never will be, it isn't who I am. 


I can say I am a loving, caring, passionate, and honest woman. It is okay to not compromise my wants, needs and desires. It's okay to be my vulnerable self.

What is Fear really?

(original entry February 2010)

I am learning that fear is something we are taught at a very young age. We learn to fear. We are told to fear this and that....

This morning, while watching the sun rise having my morning coffee and meditating, this wave, no more like a tsunami washed over me.

I am learning to actually feel every emotion that comes to me and letting it pass through me, but this was different. This fear paralyzed me in such a way that I lost my breath and couldn't move.

It is a fear of the unknown. Fear of not having control over the outcome of my surgery. Yet I realize control is just an illusion, fear an emotion, I need to let this pass through me... but how?

Any suggestions?

(original entry February 2010)