Great Expectations

I don't know, but the title sounded good. I think everyone has these great expectations though. I recently read a friends journal entry, and it's started me to ponder a few things...

I expect people to be human in their humanity. With free will humans are full of flaws as well as beauty in that perfection of their flaws.

Perfection you say? Yes! I believe that having flaws makes me perfect. It is what makes me... Kimmie, Kim, Kimberly, bitch, lover, slut... or better yet, simply Mee_Ow.

Getting comfortable with this notion has taken some time but I still wonder why it is many still strive to be "perfect" to someone else's standard? Why not create your own standard? Why adopt someone else's point of view of yourself?

Why not form your own opinion and have the faith that you will eventually find your bliss through that perspective?

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. It takes strength beyond measure to be true to yourself first above all your peers. It takes being brave to form and voice your own opinion when it goes against the views of society. It takes honor & integrity to have the humility to admit openly when your opinion is wrong or has changed.

So why do most people think that showing any of the above characteristics is a weakness or less than desired?

The hardest part for me thus far has been letting go of expectations that I have unknowingly put upon others. To truly see my error in this, I feel, has been my greatest stride and has led me to be able to finally set down baggage that I have carried around with me from the age of 5 years old.

Letting go of them has given me freedom like I have never known. It has restored my youth, it has taught me how to accept love, it has healed what has ailed me for so many years.

All you have to do is give yourself that permission to be perfectly flawed.

This isn't about you...

It is all about me.

This is my journey.

This is my path.

This is my life.

This is my passion.

You have nothing to do with it.

It is not about who is on top or who is on bottom.

Frankly darling I don't give a damn.

It will be tit for tat.

I will have it my way.

I will meet my needs one way or another.

Look out, because I am about to leave you behind.

I am growing

I am evolving

I have a voice

I have a heart

I have a mind

I refuse to sit silent and idle

You will hear me

You will feel me

You will see me

as I fade to black

SLUT

noun:

1. a dirty slatternly woman
2. an immoral woman
3. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Animals) Archaic a female dog
AKA tart, slag, slapper, scrubbe, trollop, drab, sloven, slattern

Just because I identify myself as a slut does not mean you get to treat me as less than human, incapable of love and devotion.

Being a slut does not mean I will drop to my knees and suck your cock upon command. It takes intellect, wit and passion to make me give you an orgasm

Calling me a slut in the attempt to humiliate me or guilt me into submission will only embolden my dominance over you, fore it shows your weakness of mind, spirit and sexual prowess.

That was then...This is now...

Slut is also used as a slang term in the BDSM, polyamorous, and gay and bisexual communities. With BDSM, polyamorous, and non-monogamous people, in usage taken from the book The Ethical Slut, the term has been used as an expression of choice to openly have multiple partners, and revel in that choice: "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." A slut is a person who has taken control of their sexuality and has sex with whomever they choose, regardless of religious or social pressures or conventions to conform to a straight-laced monogamous lifestyle committed to one partner for life. The term has been "taken back" to express the rejection of the concept that government, society, or religion may judge or control one's personal liberties, and the right to control one's own sexuality.

I am a slut.

Accept it.

Deal.

Move on.

I Can Not Choose to be Polyamorous...

Too many times I have been asked "What are you looking for?" GAH! How that question makes me cringe... How about asking me what I need instead?


One good friend of mine, whom I call my Redneck Zen Master, asked me "What is love?" 


I pondered for a second or two... thought I had come up with this profound answer that would prove my enlightenment and I answered "Love is sacred and divine" HA! I showed him I thought...


The Redneck Zen Masters response to the same question "Love is big" I thought he had really lost a marble or two at that moment. It's taken me almost a year to really grasp the definition of what he was saying, and even then I still doubt I will ever be so very enlightened as to fully understand.


Being raised with the illusion of a fairy tale mixed with the "American Dream" So many years spent chasing "the one" and the little house with the white picket fence, and then have it only fall apart being left with the pieces of who I used to be, one could have easily given up. Good thing I am stubborn....


Finding and learning about Polyamory & Open Relationships has made it possible to actually attain what it is I need to be content and happy. It made me realize that what I need cannot be found in just one person, but many people. Many loves.


So to answer the question what do I need? 


I need a part time Daddy - One who I can be utterly vulnerable with, who will cherish me and inspire my growth as a woman.


I need Lovers - who can be tender, loving, and romantic. Who will worship the Goddess inside of me.


I need Sadists - who will challenge me, who will feed the masochist inside me.


I need Playmates - who will inspire both my dominance and my submission. For me this is fluid and organic.


I need Friends - who accept me for who I am and appreciate all of my good and bad qualities. Who call me on my bullshit when I am in need of it.


Above all and what I need the most is Myself. - I need to remain authentic to myself. I need to trust myself to make mistakes, learn and grow from them. I need to love myself as freely as I love others.


Monogamy can not give me what I need. I cannot put all of my needs and expectations onto one person. It is an impossible task, not to mention the pressure one would have to endure trying to fulfill them. That is not love.


Having open relationships and loving freely come natural to me, and if you know me at all, you know this to be true. In being authentic to what is within my nature, I must trust that this universe I live in will fulfill my relationship needs. 


I must trust myself and say "Yes" because I have no control over what the universe will provide no more than I have any control of what tomorrow may bring. To say "No" to opportunities would be falling back into the illusion that I can control the universe. 


Polyamory is organic and natural for me. Is it for you? 


Only you can answer that. It takes great strength to maintain polyamorous relationships. This past year I have had many doubts if it is the "right" thing for me. I have witnessed seemingly strong relationships break apart and torn asunder because of Polyamory, the pressure it can bring and the work it entails. 


Practicing polyamory is hard work, but I also know that it is well worth the reward. 


For me having open relationships is Big Love. 

Compersion, Intimacy & Empathy

Laying awake at night I ponder various things... like these: Compersion, Intimacy and Empathy.


These 3 words, these 3 states of "feeling", if you will, are fairly new to me. Perhaps I had felt one or the other in the past, but never fully acknowledged their existence let alone have a name for them.


Now that I have experienced these within my current relationships and friendships, I sincerely believe that I can not exist without them both now and in the future. I am loath to pick up the armor I once carried. Its heavy and burdensome. 


Sure, I am single, yes I am polyamorous, yes I am a slut. I've been told I am kinky, and I've even enjoyed sex with a woman! Does this mean I will seek out relationships with every person who has a pulse? No. Does this mean I will fuck anyone? No. My relationships don't need sex to exist, they don't need validation of a marriage or a contract. All they need are these three ingredients. 


I am not seeking to be possessed nor do I wish to possess any of my partners or friends.


I am not seeking for someone to "complete" me, nor do I wish to "complete" them. I am a whole woman, not half a woman. I would prefer to deal with a whole person myself.


I do beg to ask a simple question though: Do you think it is possible to have these 3 things; compersion, intimacy & empathy, even after the relationship or friendship ends? If so is it healthy for you to have them? 


For reference here are my working definitions:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.


Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.


Empathy is the capacity to share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being through consciousness rather than physically. Empathy develops the ability to have compassion towards other beings.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Moving Boxes...

I have been opening, unpacking and moving boxes for the last 12 months or so. Some of these boxes are inside of my mind, some of the boxes are physical belongings from my move from place to place.

I get really tired of doing this over and over, but it seems I will more than likely spend the rest of my life in motion. 

Is that such a bad thing?

I have unpacked a few things only to realize I have no place for them, so I pack it all back into the box, shove it in a corner to be unpacked another day. 

Procrastination?

Other boxes I have taken "this or that" out of necessity and closed the box only to return it to the shelf. After all I got what I needed out of it, and someday perhaps I will need the rest of what's in the box. 

Does this make me a pack rat?

I have days where I just want to empty the contents of the boxes and toss the boxes away. 


I have days where I want to just throw out the boxes full of stuff from my past. 

Could it be genuine fear that keeps me from doing either of these things?

Perhaps.

I have finally found a voice in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust, from 3 decades of abuse and neglect. One of the boxes I unpacked recently was full of courage. Put those two together and I have found I can do just about anything I set my mind to. 

Can you imagine me being able to say No? 

I can tell you I have had to learn how & when to say "No".

One box that I had been eyeing for some time was owned by someone else... I was looking to put myself in that very box as property. That box got too small too fast. I've found that while my life may be full of boxes, I am not meant to be in one. 

Is this a bad thing? 

It could have been, but now I have chosen not to find out.

I wonder around here from this forum to that forum reading & observing, pondering the mistakes I've made, the losses I've had, and the great gains I've earned. I have been able to conclude that I am not fit for "slavery" anymore than I can fit in a small box. While it works for many of you out there, I've found it personally will not work for me. 

I will eventually tear out the seams or fall through the bottom of that box.

I have learned that I can only give service when I personally "have" something to give emotionally/physically. 

What good is giving away an empty box?

I have learned that my sexuality is fluid. I don't just fuck/lick/suck anything or anyone, I can be quite picky and intimacy is a HUGE turn on for me. 

It's not about the size or shape of the box for me. 

I have also pondered my masochistic tendancies and found I tend "use" physical pain. I use it as a form of catharsis. I don't enjoy pain one bit, it doesn't "get me off" in that manner. For me receiving pain has to be on my terms and no one else's for it to be useful and effective. 

Masochism = My Cold Box

My sex and my pain are two separate experiences for me, and I enjoy my sex way too much to really mix the two. 

Sex = My Hot Box

I do have many sadistic thoughts, I have been able to experiment with those. They are a very dark part of myself that I still try to keep in a box, and can only let it out to play when so inclined and the energy is right.

Sadism = My Pandora's Box

I have learned more about polyamory, and have found that for me, being single & poly, my "primary" relationship is with myself. I am not "wired" for patriarchal type relationships. I have learned that I can have that love and intimacy I need with many others on so many different levels. It's natural for me to love more, to embrace more and "be" more. In order to not compromise my personal authenticity I have found I must stick to egalitarian-type relationships.

I have had to "move into" being this confident and comfortable with who I am. 

I still have many boxes to unpack, and slowly but surely someday I shall be home. 

^..^ 

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Human Centipede tattoo immortalizes the ultimate in human intimacy

Human Centipede tattoo immortalizes the ultimate in human intimacy

This takes scat play to a whole new level.

This is almost as bad as the time I learned what "Space Docking" was.

Eww!

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

A poem with no real form or rhyme but plenty of reason

(original entry June 15, 2010)

whatever it is make it fucking STOP

make it go away...

I do not like it.

It is not who I am.

It is just an illusion.

It will be gone as soon as I turn around ...

but yet...

it's not working.

it is not going away.

a seed planted in fertile ground sprouted...

is it a fucking weed?

Pull it out!

wait ...
watch...look! ....
awe shit ...
it's budded..

I MUST see it blossom first.

Once I see the blossom

then and only then can I decide

whether or not

to poison it.

make sure I kill the root.

don't want it coming back

ever...

like a weed.

^..^

Thoughts...

(Original entry May 2010)

"It is not only for unanswered questions that we seek knowledge, but also for the examination of unquestioned answers."

This is something I have been practicing more and more every day. Running answers through my filter... surprisingly it has revealed so much of who I am to myself. How is it I never thought to do this before? Have you ever questioned what you are told about issues, politics & religion or have you just accepted it as a truth?

"Through pain and not getting what I want and expect, I learn the most about my attachments and about myself, and thus I can grow."

This is a lesson that I have spent my whole life thus far learning the hard way. I wonder why it is I only just came to realize the wisdom in it.

"Suffering may force a new perspective and perception about what is reality. It can weaken the ego through repeated frustration just enough to allow a giving up or surrendering, which opens the person to the possibility of transcending his or her previous belief systems and levels of consciousness."

I really liked this for some reason. Who knows, maybe it will have a deeper meaning, perhaps it will mean nothing at all. All I know is that I no longer carry deep seated guilt and shame.

(Original entry May 2010)

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)