I Can Not Choose to be Polyamorous...

Too many times I have been asked "What are you looking for?" GAH! How that question makes me cringe... How about asking me what I need instead?


One good friend of mine, whom I call my Redneck Zen Master, asked me "What is love?" 


I pondered for a second or two... thought I had come up with this profound answer that would prove my enlightenment and I answered "Love is sacred and divine" HA! I showed him I thought...


The Redneck Zen Masters response to the same question "Love is big" I thought he had really lost a marble or two at that moment. It's taken me almost a year to really grasp the definition of what he was saying, and even then I still doubt I will ever be so very enlightened as to fully understand.


Being raised with the illusion of a fairy tale mixed with the "American Dream" So many years spent chasing "the one" and the little house with the white picket fence, and then have it only fall apart being left with the pieces of who I used to be, one could have easily given up. Good thing I am stubborn....


Finding and learning about Polyamory & Open Relationships has made it possible to actually attain what it is I need to be content and happy. It made me realize that what I need cannot be found in just one person, but many people. Many loves.


So to answer the question what do I need? 


I need a part time Daddy - One who I can be utterly vulnerable with, who will cherish me and inspire my growth as a woman.


I need Lovers - who can be tender, loving, and romantic. Who will worship the Goddess inside of me.


I need Sadists - who will challenge me, who will feed the masochist inside me.


I need Playmates - who will inspire both my dominance and my submission. For me this is fluid and organic.


I need Friends - who accept me for who I am and appreciate all of my good and bad qualities. Who call me on my bullshit when I am in need of it.


Above all and what I need the most is Myself. - I need to remain authentic to myself. I need to trust myself to make mistakes, learn and grow from them. I need to love myself as freely as I love others.


Monogamy can not give me what I need. I cannot put all of my needs and expectations onto one person. It is an impossible task, not to mention the pressure one would have to endure trying to fulfill them. That is not love.


Having open relationships and loving freely come natural to me, and if you know me at all, you know this to be true. In being authentic to what is within my nature, I must trust that this universe I live in will fulfill my relationship needs. 


I must trust myself and say "Yes" because I have no control over what the universe will provide no more than I have any control of what tomorrow may bring. To say "No" to opportunities would be falling back into the illusion that I can control the universe. 


Polyamory is organic and natural for me. Is it for you? 


Only you can answer that. It takes great strength to maintain polyamorous relationships. This past year I have had many doubts if it is the "right" thing for me. I have witnessed seemingly strong relationships break apart and torn asunder because of Polyamory, the pressure it can bring and the work it entails. 


Practicing polyamory is hard work, but I also know that it is well worth the reward. 


For me having open relationships is Big Love. 

Drop the "Poly" out of "amory"...

Catchy title isn't it? I thought so, but you might not think so when I am done.

It's been about 2 years that I became aware to this way of loving more... Only about a year that I've been comfortable with such a label. So as far as all that is Polyamory I am by far no expert in the matter. I will not cite you statistics and what not, simply my thoughts, feelings and experiences thus far.

Over the last year I have met 35+ men that claim to live and be in a polyamorous relationship with their wife/girlfriend/significant other. Out of those 35 men I have witnessed less than a handfull actually live it and practice it's definition. The other 95% are far from what Polyamory is supposed to be or stand for.

I've heard this called poly fuckery or poly sluttery, cheating, non-monogamy, and open-marriage/relationship. I wish I could ask all of those that would hide behind the Polyamory label as why they feel the need to misrepresent what they are looking for. Far be it for this slut to turn away a great roll in the hay... but then again that's just how I roll. I don't need to love every fella I've fucked or blown, I love a good old fashioned orgasm just as much if not more than the next person.

I just choose to have more, I choose to want more, I choose to love more. It's why I chose to try on this label of Polyamorous in the first place. It seemed to fit. I suppose I am greedy, wanting the sex and the love, but hey I can dream can't I?

After a year, all the fucking and sucking, I still can only count 0 active polyamorous relationships under my belt. Perhaps this would discredit my whole view, as I stated above this is based on my experiences thus far. For me it is a lifestyle choice, it is a love-style, it is not the equivalent to my sexual orientation, which in and of itself can be as open as my heart and mind.

I can say that being with a married man is a hell of a lot easier than being with a single man. At least with a married man, I can enjoy the fun parts & sex, and not have the drama. I currently enjoy this now with my soldier friend, for the last 3 years, we have enjoyed each others friendship, as well as each others sex. It is far from a romantic love interest. I dare say he is like fucking my best friend.

In contrast, some of the single men I have dealt with, they have wanted to own some piece of me or all of me. As if they were scaling a mountain and wanting to plant a flag in my arse as a sign of ownership. Then when I object to the limited exclusivity, they say I cannot commit to a real relationship. WTF is up with that bullshit? Must I be owned in order to receive love and intimacy in a relationship?

Most monogamous men I have met cannot commit to a relationship. What is so threatening about Polyamory & Loving more than one person?

I tell you with some of my friendships I have more commitment and depth within them than any romantic relationship I've ever had. These friendships are more polyamorous than my sexual encounters with various self identifying Polyamorous men. The friendships I wouldn't change ever, but my sexual encounters need to if I am to ever be happy and fulfilled.

I can also tell you that since I have been exploring Polyamory, I have had more one night stands under the guise of this label. (Yes I am that gullible at times. I want to believe the best of everyone, even the bad ones who would hide behind the label.) It is almost as if I am a sampler platter, knock off a little piece to see if you like the flavor. I have come to the conclusion that if I keep this up, there may be nothing left of me one day because I am all sampled out. Which is why I will conclude with this for now....

I am dropping the poly for now and going in for the amory -
by this I mean while I will remain non-monogamous I will continue to love more. Honestly for me it is about the love, and the potential for love to be multiplied on so many levels that has put me to where I am today.

Yes Sir, may I please have another?

My Redneck Zen Master once told me that I must become what I seek in another.

What I understand this to mean is: That if I seek love, I must love myself. If I seek compassion, I must be compassionate. If I seek romance, then I must be romantic. If I seek trust, I must trust myself. If I seek authenticity, then I must be authentic.

Pretty sound logic in my book, and something that is a work in progress for me. I must say I am a better person than I was well over 2 years ago. (Wow time zips by when you're having fun or going through hell!)

As my mind mulls this nugget over, I look at the latest string of encounters I have had and I wonder what in the hell has attracted me to them (or they to me)? Why did I not see the tell-tale signs and the warning bells & whistles? Is my judgement that off? Am I that fucked up? Or are they just that good at hiding their true self?

This last one hid his illness for 3 years, and then BAMOLA! It's like an old maneuver I learned from hand-to-hand combat called "Butt stroke to the head"You never see it coming until your flat on your arse seeing stars singing "O say can you see!"

I am one who nurtures. No, I am not a slave, nor am I submissive. However I have this need to serve others and nurture. It is, I think, the only thing I miss about being married or being in service. The nurturing, I find, is fulfilling and satisfying to know that others have benefitted from me.

I want/need with all my heart to be "in love" and to nurture. Is this need making me blind? Is it fucking up my judgement so much that I cannot see clearly?

I guess time will tell, experiences happen, and I will continue on nurturing myself, my friendships and those that I love.

I have to trust myself to remain vulnerable, and remind myself that making a mistake is not a weakness, but a strength. Mistakes are just tools that help me to move forward on my path.

I have the courage to continue.
I have the strength to love.
I have the stubbornness to just be....

^..^

Pinch Me!?

It's been some time... well, actually a very long time, since I have....

While I am afraid to feel too hopeful or too excited or too loved where is this bar? Who in the fuck set it? I need to have a word with them.

How do I tell if I am too much of anything?

This time feelings are reciprocated.
This time the intensity is matched.
This time he is into me as much as I am into him.
This time can I string together days where I don't go and fuck shit up?

I am afraid of falling. It hurts when you hit bottom. There is love and then there is this... this thing... this flutter ... this OMFG Can I REALLY Feel this way? and have him not run away or reject me?

So far...with the secrets I have shared, my soul I have bared...he still wants me in his bed, within his reach, stroking my skin, making me sigh, and he hasn't rejected me, he hasn't been appalled by my wants dreams and desires.

It's new, it's shiny, it's surreal, it's this girls dream, it's full of hope, and my cup is brimming and about to run over and spill out...

I hope...
I dream...
I love...

From Pain is Growth...

I have heard it said "If you're not having any fun, you must be doing it wrong." 


I wonder if the same could be applied to growth? "If growth doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong." Even better we could apply it to love? "If loving isn't painful you're doing it wrong."


I am dealing with loss. It is my loss, my choices and I readily admit I am here in this place because of them. Ultimately no matter how conflicted I feel, I know I made the right decision. I might not have did it in the most elegant manner, but this experience has made me realize quite a few things about myself had it not happened at all.


My Daddy passed away June of 2001. He died of a massive stroke 6 months after his visit to my home here in Utah. His first ever visit and conversation after 10 years of silence. It was as if the universe had rewarded me for my "good behavior" on one hand, and then saw fit to take him away. It left a huge hole in my heart. He was my daddy and after all that time, I was once again Daddy's girl.


I fell in love with a man who filled that massive hole in my heart. He soothed that ache that I didn't realize that was there.


This person did what others couldn't do. He stripped me bare, made me feel vulnerable, but most of all made me feel **safe enough** to be vulnerable. This has been a double edged sword for me. On one hand I thank him for this, on the other hand I curse him for this. Now I am vulnerable, but far from feeling safe and secure in my new found vulnerability.


I thought I wanted to be owned, be "slave". Thought it would be a type of freedom that I had searched for. Security & safety that I never had within my marriage.


I quickly found with each step through this looking glass I would have had to compromise my views, my needs, my definitions, my authenticity to make this dream come true. I fought tooth and nail. Spitting venom, both literally and figuratively kicking and screaming. I hurt people and have apologized. I deeply regret it and wish I could press rewind so I could have said "No thank you" from the start. I don't, however, regret loving, trusting or being striped of my emotional armor.


Out of this, has come both positive and negative for me. I have more clarity. Property, for me, is an unattainable fantasy. Slave is not in my genetic make-up. Neither are any of the other "labels" this site likes to banter about. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with being a woman. 


I am not okay with being the vulnerable little girl but it is a part of me that I cannot deny. Because I choose to be this way, I lay alone at night, sometimes crying, sometimes just being okay with feelings and emotions. I have always learned lessons the "hard way" this lesson could not have been learned any differently. 


I may not be a financial wizard, I may not be a perfect parent, I may not be the perfect sub/slave/property. I never will be, it isn't who I am. 


I can say I am a loving, caring, passionate, and honest woman. It is okay to not compromise my wants, needs and desires. It's okay to be my vulnerable self.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

What is "Love"?

(original entry March 2010)

What is Love to you?

Is there just one simple definition? Can you put it in a box and slap a label on it? Is it tangible? Does it exist as a "thing" or is it merely an emotion and feeling?

Someone told me that love can cure... love can heal anything. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one.

Someone asked me to define Sacred... as in what is sacred to me... at first I really couldn't define it... but then I came up with Sacred = Divine...

Now I am thinking it would be more to the effect that my definition of what I find sacred is Love.

Sacred to me is loving myself enough unconditionally, openly, willfully... I am a Goddess, I am Divine, I am Sacred, I am Love.

Your thoughts?

^..^

(original entry March 2010)