Strongest Coward...

It takes great strength to walk away... cowardice to stay. 


If I walk away much will go unfinished & unfulfilled... (it would be business as usual for me given my history.)


If I stay I will grow more miserable & restless... (I have a 14 year failed marriage that taught me that lesson) 


Weighing fulfillment vs. happiness isn't as easy as it seems. 
• Fullfillment = pride and accomplishment = feeding the ego & voice
• Happiness = peace and serenity = feeding of the heart & mind


Am I giving into fear by not doing anything at all to change it?


I am afraid if I stay it is for the wrong reasons and not for myself. I fear I will disappoint others. I fear not being "good enough"


I know my fear is irrational. I know it is unfounded. I know, and often repeat, "what others think of me is none of my business." 
I know these truths yet here I sit. Waiting it seems for someone to ask me to check out and leave, simply because I have not been able to live up to my own standards. 


Did I set my standards too high? Because apparently at the moment I am unable to live up to them. Should I lower them for myself and others? It would seem only fair... yes, but......


I feel as if I am failing others expectations of me and not fulfilling my own expectations of myself.


I can honestly state that I don't know what in the fuck to do...


All I can do is go to work, go home and put some semblance of food on the table, rinse, wash & repeat, all over again... seemingly going no where fast... when all I really want to do is get there...
 NOW!


I read a quote today on the Tiny Buddha blog that said “Change is not a process for the impatient.” -Barbara Reinhold


Holy hell is that so true. It made me laugh, because when it comes to change I am anything but patient. I always want change to happen right NOW! so I can get on with my life....


rinse, wash & repeat.


I have been a soldier, I have been a wife, I have been a mother. 


I think I already am RAWHIDE


Thanks for listening.

Non-Consensual Stalking...

Yes my kinky friends, I do find that being "prey" can be hot when it is with my negotiated consent. Being stalked can be negotiated safely, and play can ensue in a consensual manner. It can be extremely erotic, and makes me moist just to think about it.


I've done this before, dealt with a true blue stalker, many moons ago. He now sits in a Calif. prison having committed his third strike. He was the aggressive possessive type, the "if I can't have you then no one can" type. He got close, but being the genuine idiot he would pull a stupid maneuver and get caught. 


This of course was long before the advent of "online networking" and the interwebs. You had to physically stalk someone in person. Now a days, it is fairly easy to stalk someone as open as I am online. I will admit it, but I have been very lucky thus far... knocks on wood to not have anyone attack me cyber-wise. After all I have never seen the usefulness of making online threats, they sincerely have not instilled the fear as an actual "live" stalker has. All one has to do is log off, hit the "iggy" button or block them.


I have had many years of "stalker" free life. Lucky me, and thus far in my dating experiences, I consider myself fortunate to have not picked up another. I thought I had dealt with the fear, the physical, mental and emotional abuse that this stalker of mine delivered so long ago. Until now, that is...


I have not been an apartment dweller for a very long time. Apartment living is a whole different removed world when living in a large complex. Most folks keep to themselves and go about their daily activities, minding their own business. A kind "Hello" in the mail room, working out in the gym, or relaxing in the hot tub. It is a unique community all unto its own.


Then there was the fella in the Laundromat. Flirting while I was handling my bra's stockings and undies. A tad on the shy side had only kind words, and came across in a very non-aggressive manner. My first thought... how sweet, but too submissive, too shy and quiet. He said he liked my convertible. He left and I didn't run into him for at least 4 months. 


Then one day... while doing laundry again, he struck up a conversation. Friendly, still shy, still submissive, but this time he asked for my number, wanted to know if we could hang out, catch a movie or watch a race or football game. I thought sure! What's the harm? I was not sexually attracted to this person, but I thought we could be friends. 


His personality of being a shy, submissive male evaporated as soon as he was behind closed doors. I have had to physically remove him from my apartment, and now comes the stalking... 


The late night, early morning phone calls, the knocking at my door, the walking past my apartment 5-10 times a night, the text messages, the approaching me while I am going to or from my car. The repeated and clear message of "No" falling on deaf ears.


This is not hot, this is not sexy, this fear has NOT been negotiated with my consent. My weapon lays at the head of my bed loaded, waiting, watching, listening in fear. 


The apartment management has threatened him with eviction, a police report filed, next will be a restraining order. You would think this makes me feel safe, yes I would like to think that.... but it doesn't. If I could offer one piece of advice folks... 


Just because a person is a kinky, poly slut it does not change the definition of "No".

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

What is Fear really?

(original entry February 2010)

I am learning that fear is something we are taught at a very young age. We learn to fear. We are told to fear this and that....

This morning, while watching the sun rise having my morning coffee and meditating, this wave, no more like a tsunami washed over me.

I am learning to actually feel every emotion that comes to me and letting it pass through me, but this was different. This fear paralyzed me in such a way that I lost my breath and couldn't move.

It is a fear of the unknown. Fear of not having control over the outcome of my surgery. Yet I realize control is just an illusion, fear an emotion, I need to let this pass through me... but how?

Any suggestions?

(original entry February 2010)

Human Nature or Chaos?

(original entry: February 2010)

We are born chaotic creatures and order is forced upon us. The more oppressive or repressive the society the more order that is forced upon us and the more highly conformity is valued, and that is why society doesn't like what we do.

If you do not care what society thinks, society has no control over you, and what they do not control they fear.

Basically when you are born you fear falling and being alone and loud noises, the rest of the fear we are taught and many of them are connected to innate fear.

"The unknown will lead you to being alone" or "If you do not conform you will spend your life alone"

These are my base fears, the older I get, but I am stubborn, I refuse to conform to what society expects from me.

^..^

(original entry: February 2010)