This isn't about you...

It is all about me.

This is my journey.

This is my path.

This is my life.

This is my passion.

You have nothing to do with it.

It is not about who is on top or who is on bottom.

Frankly darling I don't give a damn.

It will be tit for tat.

I will have it my way.

I will meet my needs one way or another.

Look out, because I am about to leave you behind.

I am growing

I am evolving

I have a voice

I have a heart

I have a mind

I refuse to sit silent and idle

You will hear me

You will feel me

You will see me

as I fade to black

Admitting to the Geek!

At the FLOG (FetLife Ogden Group) munch last night I met people that I would not normally interact with, I had a great time and it got me thinking as they let some of their passion, or better yet, some of their Geek show.

It was quite entertaining and thought provoking... It made me wonder what are some of the things that bring out my Geek or that I hold a great interest in...

Here is my list so far...

• 1. NASCAR and just about any motor-sport.
• 2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• 3. Douglas Adams
• 4. Clive Barker
• 5. Anne Rice
• 6. Jim Morrison/Elvis (yes these two are a tie for me!)
• 7. Music in general

I am sure this list will grow... perhaps even change as I do...

I just thought it was fun to think about! I love my geek :)

"A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta…wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat…wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes…any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it … win through, and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with." From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.

"Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth." - Monty Python & the Holy Grail 

Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.

All: And me. And me too. And me.

Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer...
-Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Compersion, Intimacy & Empathy

Laying awake at night I ponder various things... like these: Compersion, Intimacy and Empathy.


These 3 words, these 3 states of "feeling", if you will, are fairly new to me. Perhaps I had felt one or the other in the past, but never fully acknowledged their existence let alone have a name for them.


Now that I have experienced these within my current relationships and friendships, I sincerely believe that I can not exist without them both now and in the future. I am loath to pick up the armor I once carried. Its heavy and burdensome. 


Sure, I am single, yes I am polyamorous, yes I am a slut. I've been told I am kinky, and I've even enjoyed sex with a woman! Does this mean I will seek out relationships with every person who has a pulse? No. Does this mean I will fuck anyone? No. My relationships don't need sex to exist, they don't need validation of a marriage or a contract. All they need are these three ingredients. 


I am not seeking to be possessed nor do I wish to possess any of my partners or friends.


I am not seeking for someone to "complete" me, nor do I wish to "complete" them. I am a whole woman, not half a woman. I would prefer to deal with a whole person myself.


I do beg to ask a simple question though: Do you think it is possible to have these 3 things; compersion, intimacy & empathy, even after the relationship or friendship ends? If so is it healthy for you to have them? 


For reference here are my working definitions:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.


Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.


Empathy is the capacity to share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being through consciousness rather than physically. Empathy develops the ability to have compassion towards other beings.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Moving Boxes...

I have been opening, unpacking and moving boxes for the last 12 months or so. Some of these boxes are inside of my mind, some of the boxes are physical belongings from my move from place to place.

I get really tired of doing this over and over, but it seems I will more than likely spend the rest of my life in motion. 

Is that such a bad thing?

I have unpacked a few things only to realize I have no place for them, so I pack it all back into the box, shove it in a corner to be unpacked another day. 

Procrastination?

Other boxes I have taken "this or that" out of necessity and closed the box only to return it to the shelf. After all I got what I needed out of it, and someday perhaps I will need the rest of what's in the box. 

Does this make me a pack rat?

I have days where I just want to empty the contents of the boxes and toss the boxes away. 


I have days where I want to just throw out the boxes full of stuff from my past. 

Could it be genuine fear that keeps me from doing either of these things?

Perhaps.

I have finally found a voice in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust, from 3 decades of abuse and neglect. One of the boxes I unpacked recently was full of courage. Put those two together and I have found I can do just about anything I set my mind to. 

Can you imagine me being able to say No? 

I can tell you I have had to learn how & when to say "No".

One box that I had been eyeing for some time was owned by someone else... I was looking to put myself in that very box as property. That box got too small too fast. I've found that while my life may be full of boxes, I am not meant to be in one. 

Is this a bad thing? 

It could have been, but now I have chosen not to find out.

I wonder around here from this forum to that forum reading & observing, pondering the mistakes I've made, the losses I've had, and the great gains I've earned. I have been able to conclude that I am not fit for "slavery" anymore than I can fit in a small box. While it works for many of you out there, I've found it personally will not work for me. 

I will eventually tear out the seams or fall through the bottom of that box.

I have learned that I can only give service when I personally "have" something to give emotionally/physically. 

What good is giving away an empty box?

I have learned that my sexuality is fluid. I don't just fuck/lick/suck anything or anyone, I can be quite picky and intimacy is a HUGE turn on for me. 

It's not about the size or shape of the box for me. 

I have also pondered my masochistic tendancies and found I tend "use" physical pain. I use it as a form of catharsis. I don't enjoy pain one bit, it doesn't "get me off" in that manner. For me receiving pain has to be on my terms and no one else's for it to be useful and effective. 

Masochism = My Cold Box

My sex and my pain are two separate experiences for me, and I enjoy my sex way too much to really mix the two. 

Sex = My Hot Box

I do have many sadistic thoughts, I have been able to experiment with those. They are a very dark part of myself that I still try to keep in a box, and can only let it out to play when so inclined and the energy is right.

Sadism = My Pandora's Box

I have learned more about polyamory, and have found that for me, being single & poly, my "primary" relationship is with myself. I am not "wired" for patriarchal type relationships. I have learned that I can have that love and intimacy I need with many others on so many different levels. It's natural for me to love more, to embrace more and "be" more. In order to not compromise my personal authenticity I have found I must stick to egalitarian-type relationships.

I have had to "move into" being this confident and comfortable with who I am. 

I still have many boxes to unpack, and slowly but surely someday I shall be home. 

^..^ 

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)