Yes Sir, may I please have another?

My Redneck Zen Master once told me that I must become what I seek in another.

What I understand this to mean is: That if I seek love, I must love myself. If I seek compassion, I must be compassionate. If I seek romance, then I must be romantic. If I seek trust, I must trust myself. If I seek authenticity, then I must be authentic.

Pretty sound logic in my book, and something that is a work in progress for me. I must say I am a better person than I was well over 2 years ago. (Wow time zips by when you're having fun or going through hell!)

As my mind mulls this nugget over, I look at the latest string of encounters I have had and I wonder what in the hell has attracted me to them (or they to me)? Why did I not see the tell-tale signs and the warning bells & whistles? Is my judgement that off? Am I that fucked up? Or are they just that good at hiding their true self?

This last one hid his illness for 3 years, and then BAMOLA! It's like an old maneuver I learned from hand-to-hand combat called "Butt stroke to the head"You never see it coming until your flat on your arse seeing stars singing "O say can you see!"

I am one who nurtures. No, I am not a slave, nor am I submissive. However I have this need to serve others and nurture. It is, I think, the only thing I miss about being married or being in service. The nurturing, I find, is fulfilling and satisfying to know that others have benefitted from me.

I want/need with all my heart to be "in love" and to nurture. Is this need making me blind? Is it fucking up my judgement so much that I cannot see clearly?

I guess time will tell, experiences happen, and I will continue on nurturing myself, my friendships and those that I love.

I have to trust myself to remain vulnerable, and remind myself that making a mistake is not a weakness, but a strength. Mistakes are just tools that help me to move forward on my path.

I have the courage to continue.
I have the strength to love.
I have the stubbornness to just be....

^..^