Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Human Centipede tattoo immortalizes the ultimate in human intimacy

Human Centipede tattoo immortalizes the ultimate in human intimacy

This takes scat play to a whole new level.

This is almost as bad as the time I learned what "Space Docking" was.

Eww!

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

A Few Things I learned this weekend... ^..^

1. One should never yank on a chain when there is a big hairy man on the other end.

2. I really like yanking chains (they jingle & they are shiny)

3. When said chain is yanked get ready to wrestle... well more like be tackled than wrestle. He is much bigger than I.

4. Happiness is being bound and chained.

5. Love is waking up and realizing you are bound in more ways than one.

A poem with no real form or rhyme but plenty of reason

(original entry June 15, 2010)

whatever it is make it fucking STOP

make it go away...

I do not like it.

It is not who I am.

It is just an illusion.

It will be gone as soon as I turn around ...

but yet...

it's not working.

it is not going away.

a seed planted in fertile ground sprouted...

is it a fucking weed?

Pull it out!

wait ...
watch...look! ....
awe shit ...
it's budded..

I MUST see it blossom first.

Once I see the blossom

then and only then can I decide

whether or not

to poison it.

make sure I kill the root.

don't want it coming back

ever...

like a weed.

^..^

Complicated grief...

 

(original entry June 8, 2010)

Just a little something I read today that is helping me in areas I need to let go of. Too many of the things I read spoke of just grief and loss in general. When I think of the word "grief" I think at first "Who died?"

This little blip that ran across my radar today really helped me to clarify and define the type of grief I really need to work on....

"Brain scientists now recognize that nearly 20 percent of us suffer from“complicated grief.” According Rob Stein of the Washington Post, “One of the hallmarks of complicated grief is a persistent sense of longing for the lost one and a tendency to conjure up reveries of that person.”

The persistence of a romanticized memory contains an addictive element but the element is not in the former relationship, it’s in you.

So trade in your rose-colored glasses. Chances are you are romanticizing weaknesses as strengths. A realistic assessment is empowering. It is easier to let go of a human than a hero."

Just here for the kinky sex ... kthxbi ;)

 (original entry May 2010)

Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?

Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.

I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.

As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.

So to answer my own questions:

I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.

My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.

My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.

Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.

After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?

^..^

(original entry May 2010)

Thoughts...

(Original entry May 2010)

"It is not only for unanswered questions that we seek knowledge, but also for the examination of unquestioned answers."

This is something I have been practicing more and more every day. Running answers through my filter... surprisingly it has revealed so much of who I am to myself. How is it I never thought to do this before? Have you ever questioned what you are told about issues, politics & religion or have you just accepted it as a truth?

"Through pain and not getting what I want and expect, I learn the most about my attachments and about myself, and thus I can grow."

This is a lesson that I have spent my whole life thus far learning the hard way. I wonder why it is I only just came to realize the wisdom in it.

"Suffering may force a new perspective and perception about what is reality. It can weaken the ego through repeated frustration just enough to allow a giving up or surrendering, which opens the person to the possibility of transcending his or her previous belief systems and levels of consciousness."

I really liked this for some reason. Who knows, maybe it will have a deeper meaning, perhaps it will mean nothing at all. All I know is that I no longer carry deep seated guilt and shame.

(Original entry May 2010)

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)

What is "Love"?

(original entry March 2010)

What is Love to you?

Is there just one simple definition? Can you put it in a box and slap a label on it? Is it tangible? Does it exist as a "thing" or is it merely an emotion and feeling?

Someone told me that love can cure... love can heal anything. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one.

Someone asked me to define Sacred... as in what is sacred to me... at first I really couldn't define it... but then I came up with Sacred = Divine...

Now I am thinking it would be more to the effect that my definition of what I find sacred is Love.

Sacred to me is loving myself enough unconditionally, openly, willfully... I am a Goddess, I am Divine, I am Sacred, I am Love.

Your thoughts?

^..^

(original entry March 2010)

What is Fear really?

(original entry February 2010)

I am learning that fear is something we are taught at a very young age. We learn to fear. We are told to fear this and that....

This morning, while watching the sun rise having my morning coffee and meditating, this wave, no more like a tsunami washed over me.

I am learning to actually feel every emotion that comes to me and letting it pass through me, but this was different. This fear paralyzed me in such a way that I lost my breath and couldn't move.

It is a fear of the unknown. Fear of not having control over the outcome of my surgery. Yet I realize control is just an illusion, fear an emotion, I need to let this pass through me... but how?

Any suggestions?

(original entry February 2010)

Finding that elusive Goddess in me...

(original entry February 2010)

She is in there, in a box, and for so many years She has been bound and gagged. Good news is.....

I FOUND THE SAFETY SCISSORS!!!!

She has been bound in darkness all of my adult life thus far. She is a bit shy and timid, not too sure if She is safe to come out. She had gotten comfortable with being in the dark recesses of my mind. I don't think She has seen the light of day since She was 5 years old.

In reading this book, A Goddess In My Shoes by Rickie Moore, has been a stepping stone to healing and constructing a shrine to the Goddess that is within me. It is truly ok to let go of the guilt I have had most of my adult life. To awaken my spirit, my mind and my body to the wonders around me.

It's ok to be who I truly am, it's ok to have thoughts and feelings. To live in the moment and relish it for all it's worth. This is what I have to look forward to. Crying because I can, and laughing through the tears at the wonder of it all.

I am open, I am exposed, I am standing naked before you striped of all veils that I hid behind for all those years. I ask you .... have you ever witnessed something so beautiful and precious?

I haven't... until recently. I didn't know who I was, and was afraid that if I found out, I wouldn't want to share that with anybody. All I had ever seen of myself were reflections in society's distorted mirror. Now with that veil ripped away, I can see clearly... I have my own mirror.

I love who I see in it, honestly and openly. I am learning to love that Goddess within me.

Below I have shared a few quotes that really spoke to me from this book.

---

"Life is a search for personal power. We all need it and we all grab for it. I had used sex, money, drugs, my role and my position to grab at it. Using sex to gain power is like screwing a slot machine...it's cold as steel and we rarely hit the jackpot."

Liberation is the freedom to tolerate, change or be grateful.

Awakening means being consumed with awareness of the present. It means dropping denial and accepting what is. It means giving up beliefs in exchange for knowing.

Enlightenment means living in the light of truth. It doesn't mean knowing everything. To me, it means knowing we can either light-up when we destroy ourselves, or when we see the stars in each other's eyes.

That choice is our destiny.

-Rickie Moore, A Goddess In My Shoes

---

Next up...Eastern Body Western Mind - Anodea Judith

I have a lot of work to do yet, and hopefully I will never finish the work but reap rewards along the way. If I am ever finished, well let's just say I won't be here on earth anymore ;)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)