Strongest Coward...

It takes great strength to walk away... cowardice to stay. 


If I walk away much will go unfinished & unfulfilled... (it would be business as usual for me given my history.)


If I stay I will grow more miserable & restless... (I have a 14 year failed marriage that taught me that lesson) 


Weighing fulfillment vs. happiness isn't as easy as it seems. 
• Fullfillment = pride and accomplishment = feeding the ego & voice
• Happiness = peace and serenity = feeding of the heart & mind


Am I giving into fear by not doing anything at all to change it?


I am afraid if I stay it is for the wrong reasons and not for myself. I fear I will disappoint others. I fear not being "good enough"


I know my fear is irrational. I know it is unfounded. I know, and often repeat, "what others think of me is none of my business." 
I know these truths yet here I sit. Waiting it seems for someone to ask me to check out and leave, simply because I have not been able to live up to my own standards. 


Did I set my standards too high? Because apparently at the moment I am unable to live up to them. Should I lower them for myself and others? It would seem only fair... yes, but......


I feel as if I am failing others expectations of me and not fulfilling my own expectations of myself.


I can honestly state that I don't know what in the fuck to do...


All I can do is go to work, go home and put some semblance of food on the table, rinse, wash & repeat, all over again... seemingly going no where fast... when all I really want to do is get there...
 NOW!


I read a quote today on the Tiny Buddha blog that said “Change is not a process for the impatient.” -Barbara Reinhold


Holy hell is that so true. It made me laugh, because when it comes to change I am anything but patient. I always want change to happen right NOW! so I can get on with my life....


rinse, wash & repeat.


I have been a soldier, I have been a wife, I have been a mother. 


I think I already am RAWHIDE


Thanks for listening.

Flavor of Leather - My different perspective

I recently have been asking those close to me that are my teachers and peers, one simple naked question: "What is Leather to you?"

There is this one girl I know, she's a dear friend and when I first met her she told me she "tastes" peoples energy and aura. I have come to a place where I now can fully understand this, where as before I only felt people, I have reached a place where I can now taste some, not all mind you, but some people.

Lately, I have been tasting people's leather, and the way I have gotten to do that has been by asking them that one simple question. In their answers they shared with me their own personal definitions and truths. Through this generous sharing, I was able to taste their "Leather".

Now there are a variety of flavors out there... I have only tasted a few thus far but I have really decided that I personally don't care for Patent Leather, it tastes fake. It has no flavor at all. It provides an illusion that thinks if it is just shiny enough, and sparkly enough you will be distracted by it's glimmer and it can never do any wrong. It will tell you all the pretty things you want to hear so that you too can become blinded in it's shared illusion.

One flavor that I have tasted that I really seem to like at the moment is Rawhide. Now there is something I can sink my teeth into! I can tug and pull and it is very hard to rip. It is thick and can pack a punch. It can kick some fucking ass. It is natural and authentic. Rawhide has integrity and honor. It doesn't need an illusion to show it's strength. It just simply needs to "be". Rawhide will leave a mark.

Yeah... my friends I will tell you this...

I aspire to be Rawhide