Non-Consensual Stalking...

Yes my kinky friends, I do find that being "prey" can be hot when it is with my negotiated consent. Being stalked can be negotiated safely, and play can ensue in a consensual manner. It can be extremely erotic, and makes me moist just to think about it.


I've done this before, dealt with a true blue stalker, many moons ago. He now sits in a Calif. prison having committed his third strike. He was the aggressive possessive type, the "if I can't have you then no one can" type. He got close, but being the genuine idiot he would pull a stupid maneuver and get caught. 


This of course was long before the advent of "online networking" and the interwebs. You had to physically stalk someone in person. Now a days, it is fairly easy to stalk someone as open as I am online. I will admit it, but I have been very lucky thus far... knocks on wood to not have anyone attack me cyber-wise. After all I have never seen the usefulness of making online threats, they sincerely have not instilled the fear as an actual "live" stalker has. All one has to do is log off, hit the "iggy" button or block them.


I have had many years of "stalker" free life. Lucky me, and thus far in my dating experiences, I consider myself fortunate to have not picked up another. I thought I had dealt with the fear, the physical, mental and emotional abuse that this stalker of mine delivered so long ago. Until now, that is...


I have not been an apartment dweller for a very long time. Apartment living is a whole different removed world when living in a large complex. Most folks keep to themselves and go about their daily activities, minding their own business. A kind "Hello" in the mail room, working out in the gym, or relaxing in the hot tub. It is a unique community all unto its own.


Then there was the fella in the Laundromat. Flirting while I was handling my bra's stockings and undies. A tad on the shy side had only kind words, and came across in a very non-aggressive manner. My first thought... how sweet, but too submissive, too shy and quiet. He said he liked my convertible. He left and I didn't run into him for at least 4 months. 


Then one day... while doing laundry again, he struck up a conversation. Friendly, still shy, still submissive, but this time he asked for my number, wanted to know if we could hang out, catch a movie or watch a race or football game. I thought sure! What's the harm? I was not sexually attracted to this person, but I thought we could be friends. 


His personality of being a shy, submissive male evaporated as soon as he was behind closed doors. I have had to physically remove him from my apartment, and now comes the stalking... 


The late night, early morning phone calls, the knocking at my door, the walking past my apartment 5-10 times a night, the text messages, the approaching me while I am going to or from my car. The repeated and clear message of "No" falling on deaf ears.


This is not hot, this is not sexy, this fear has NOT been negotiated with my consent. My weapon lays at the head of my bed loaded, waiting, watching, listening in fear. 


The apartment management has threatened him with eviction, a police report filed, next will be a restraining order. You would think this makes me feel safe, yes I would like to think that.... but it doesn't. If I could offer one piece of advice folks... 


Just because a person is a kinky, poly slut it does not change the definition of "No".

Compersion, Intimacy & Empathy

Laying awake at night I ponder various things... like these: Compersion, Intimacy and Empathy.


These 3 words, these 3 states of "feeling", if you will, are fairly new to me. Perhaps I had felt one or the other in the past, but never fully acknowledged their existence let alone have a name for them.


Now that I have experienced these within my current relationships and friendships, I sincerely believe that I can not exist without them both now and in the future. I am loath to pick up the armor I once carried. Its heavy and burdensome. 


Sure, I am single, yes I am polyamorous, yes I am a slut. I've been told I am kinky, and I've even enjoyed sex with a woman! Does this mean I will seek out relationships with every person who has a pulse? No. Does this mean I will fuck anyone? No. My relationships don't need sex to exist, they don't need validation of a marriage or a contract. All they need are these three ingredients. 


I am not seeking to be possessed nor do I wish to possess any of my partners or friends.


I am not seeking for someone to "complete" me, nor do I wish to "complete" them. I am a whole woman, not half a woman. I would prefer to deal with a whole person myself.


I do beg to ask a simple question though: Do you think it is possible to have these 3 things; compersion, intimacy & empathy, even after the relationship or friendship ends? If so is it healthy for you to have them? 


For reference here are my working definitions:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.


Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.


Empathy is the capacity to share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being through consciousness rather than physically. Empathy develops the ability to have compassion towards other beings.

From Pain is Growth...

I have heard it said "If you're not having any fun, you must be doing it wrong." 


I wonder if the same could be applied to growth? "If growth doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong." Even better we could apply it to love? "If loving isn't painful you're doing it wrong."


I am dealing with loss. It is my loss, my choices and I readily admit I am here in this place because of them. Ultimately no matter how conflicted I feel, I know I made the right decision. I might not have did it in the most elegant manner, but this experience has made me realize quite a few things about myself had it not happened at all.


My Daddy passed away June of 2001. He died of a massive stroke 6 months after his visit to my home here in Utah. His first ever visit and conversation after 10 years of silence. It was as if the universe had rewarded me for my "good behavior" on one hand, and then saw fit to take him away. It left a huge hole in my heart. He was my daddy and after all that time, I was once again Daddy's girl.


I fell in love with a man who filled that massive hole in my heart. He soothed that ache that I didn't realize that was there.


This person did what others couldn't do. He stripped me bare, made me feel vulnerable, but most of all made me feel **safe enough** to be vulnerable. This has been a double edged sword for me. On one hand I thank him for this, on the other hand I curse him for this. Now I am vulnerable, but far from feeling safe and secure in my new found vulnerability.


I thought I wanted to be owned, be "slave". Thought it would be a type of freedom that I had searched for. Security & safety that I never had within my marriage.


I quickly found with each step through this looking glass I would have had to compromise my views, my needs, my definitions, my authenticity to make this dream come true. I fought tooth and nail. Spitting venom, both literally and figuratively kicking and screaming. I hurt people and have apologized. I deeply regret it and wish I could press rewind so I could have said "No thank you" from the start. I don't, however, regret loving, trusting or being striped of my emotional armor.


Out of this, has come both positive and negative for me. I have more clarity. Property, for me, is an unattainable fantasy. Slave is not in my genetic make-up. Neither are any of the other "labels" this site likes to banter about. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with being a woman. 


I am not okay with being the vulnerable little girl but it is a part of me that I cannot deny. Because I choose to be this way, I lay alone at night, sometimes crying, sometimes just being okay with feelings and emotions. I have always learned lessons the "hard way" this lesson could not have been learned any differently. 


I may not be a financial wizard, I may not be a perfect parent, I may not be the perfect sub/slave/property. I never will be, it isn't who I am. 


I can say I am a loving, caring, passionate, and honest woman. It is okay to not compromise my wants, needs and desires. It's okay to be my vulnerable self.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Moving Boxes...

I have been opening, unpacking and moving boxes for the last 12 months or so. Some of these boxes are inside of my mind, some of the boxes are physical belongings from my move from place to place.

I get really tired of doing this over and over, but it seems I will more than likely spend the rest of my life in motion. 

Is that such a bad thing?

I have unpacked a few things only to realize I have no place for them, so I pack it all back into the box, shove it in a corner to be unpacked another day. 

Procrastination?

Other boxes I have taken "this or that" out of necessity and closed the box only to return it to the shelf. After all I got what I needed out of it, and someday perhaps I will need the rest of what's in the box. 

Does this make me a pack rat?

I have days where I just want to empty the contents of the boxes and toss the boxes away. 


I have days where I want to just throw out the boxes full of stuff from my past. 

Could it be genuine fear that keeps me from doing either of these things?

Perhaps.

I have finally found a voice in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust, from 3 decades of abuse and neglect. One of the boxes I unpacked recently was full of courage. Put those two together and I have found I can do just about anything I set my mind to. 

Can you imagine me being able to say No? 

I can tell you I have had to learn how & when to say "No".

One box that I had been eyeing for some time was owned by someone else... I was looking to put myself in that very box as property. That box got too small too fast. I've found that while my life may be full of boxes, I am not meant to be in one. 

Is this a bad thing? 

It could have been, but now I have chosen not to find out.

I wonder around here from this forum to that forum reading & observing, pondering the mistakes I've made, the losses I've had, and the great gains I've earned. I have been able to conclude that I am not fit for "slavery" anymore than I can fit in a small box. While it works for many of you out there, I've found it personally will not work for me. 

I will eventually tear out the seams or fall through the bottom of that box.

I have learned that I can only give service when I personally "have" something to give emotionally/physically. 

What good is giving away an empty box?

I have learned that my sexuality is fluid. I don't just fuck/lick/suck anything or anyone, I can be quite picky and intimacy is a HUGE turn on for me. 

It's not about the size or shape of the box for me. 

I have also pondered my masochistic tendancies and found I tend "use" physical pain. I use it as a form of catharsis. I don't enjoy pain one bit, it doesn't "get me off" in that manner. For me receiving pain has to be on my terms and no one else's for it to be useful and effective. 

Masochism = My Cold Box

My sex and my pain are two separate experiences for me, and I enjoy my sex way too much to really mix the two. 

Sex = My Hot Box

I do have many sadistic thoughts, I have been able to experiment with those. They are a very dark part of myself that I still try to keep in a box, and can only let it out to play when so inclined and the energy is right.

Sadism = My Pandora's Box

I have learned more about polyamory, and have found that for me, being single & poly, my "primary" relationship is with myself. I am not "wired" for patriarchal type relationships. I have learned that I can have that love and intimacy I need with many others on so many different levels. It's natural for me to love more, to embrace more and "be" more. In order to not compromise my personal authenticity I have found I must stick to egalitarian-type relationships.

I have had to "move into" being this confident and comfortable with who I am. 

I still have many boxes to unpack, and slowly but surely someday I shall be home. 

^..^