Strongest Coward...

It takes great strength to walk away... cowardice to stay. 


If I walk away much will go unfinished & unfulfilled... (it would be business as usual for me given my history.)


If I stay I will grow more miserable & restless... (I have a 14 year failed marriage that taught me that lesson) 


Weighing fulfillment vs. happiness isn't as easy as it seems. 
• Fullfillment = pride and accomplishment = feeding the ego & voice
• Happiness = peace and serenity = feeding of the heart & mind


Am I giving into fear by not doing anything at all to change it?


I am afraid if I stay it is for the wrong reasons and not for myself. I fear I will disappoint others. I fear not being "good enough"


I know my fear is irrational. I know it is unfounded. I know, and often repeat, "what others think of me is none of my business." 
I know these truths yet here I sit. Waiting it seems for someone to ask me to check out and leave, simply because I have not been able to live up to my own standards. 


Did I set my standards too high? Because apparently at the moment I am unable to live up to them. Should I lower them for myself and others? It would seem only fair... yes, but......


I feel as if I am failing others expectations of me and not fulfilling my own expectations of myself.


I can honestly state that I don't know what in the fuck to do...


All I can do is go to work, go home and put some semblance of food on the table, rinse, wash & repeat, all over again... seemingly going no where fast... when all I really want to do is get there...
 NOW!


I read a quote today on the Tiny Buddha blog that said “Change is not a process for the impatient.” -Barbara Reinhold


Holy hell is that so true. It made me laugh, because when it comes to change I am anything but patient. I always want change to happen right NOW! so I can get on with my life....


rinse, wash & repeat.


I have been a soldier, I have been a wife, I have been a mother. 


I think I already am RAWHIDE


Thanks for listening.