(original entry May 2010)
Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?
Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.
I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.
As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.
So to answer my own questions:
I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.
My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.
My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.
Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.
After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?
^..^
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