From Pain is Growth...

I have heard it said "If you're not having any fun, you must be doing it wrong." 


I wonder if the same could be applied to growth? "If growth doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong." Even better we could apply it to love? "If loving isn't painful you're doing it wrong."


I am dealing with loss. It is my loss, my choices and I readily admit I am here in this place because of them. Ultimately no matter how conflicted I feel, I know I made the right decision. I might not have did it in the most elegant manner, but this experience has made me realize quite a few things about myself had it not happened at all.


My Daddy passed away June of 2001. He died of a massive stroke 6 months after his visit to my home here in Utah. His first ever visit and conversation after 10 years of silence. It was as if the universe had rewarded me for my "good behavior" on one hand, and then saw fit to take him away. It left a huge hole in my heart. He was my daddy and after all that time, I was once again Daddy's girl.


I fell in love with a man who filled that massive hole in my heart. He soothed that ache that I didn't realize that was there.


This person did what others couldn't do. He stripped me bare, made me feel vulnerable, but most of all made me feel **safe enough** to be vulnerable. This has been a double edged sword for me. On one hand I thank him for this, on the other hand I curse him for this. Now I am vulnerable, but far from feeling safe and secure in my new found vulnerability.


I thought I wanted to be owned, be "slave". Thought it would be a type of freedom that I had searched for. Security & safety that I never had within my marriage.


I quickly found with each step through this looking glass I would have had to compromise my views, my needs, my definitions, my authenticity to make this dream come true. I fought tooth and nail. Spitting venom, both literally and figuratively kicking and screaming. I hurt people and have apologized. I deeply regret it and wish I could press rewind so I could have said "No thank you" from the start. I don't, however, regret loving, trusting or being striped of my emotional armor.


Out of this, has come both positive and negative for me. I have more clarity. Property, for me, is an unattainable fantasy. Slave is not in my genetic make-up. Neither are any of the other "labels" this site likes to banter about. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with being a woman. 


I am not okay with being the vulnerable little girl but it is a part of me that I cannot deny. Because I choose to be this way, I lay alone at night, sometimes crying, sometimes just being okay with feelings and emotions. I have always learned lessons the "hard way" this lesson could not have been learned any differently. 


I may not be a financial wizard, I may not be a perfect parent, I may not be the perfect sub/slave/property. I never will be, it isn't who I am. 


I can say I am a loving, caring, passionate, and honest woman. It is okay to not compromise my wants, needs and desires. It's okay to be my vulnerable self.

My momma said there would come a day...

(original entry January 2010)

This day is coming... oh yes indeed.

When I was pregnant and I didn't know if I was having a girl or a boy, I found myself weighing the pro's and con's of each.

With girls, you could dress them up in frilly dresses and the like, have tea time, dollies and barbies, ballet lessons, glitter and lip gloss until they started to talk back, have hormones, and then would come the promiscuity, boys, shot gun at the front door, the need for a chastity belt.

With boys, you could dress them up in cute little outfits, play in the dirt, take them to the races, get them involved in sports, rough-house, until they too started to talk back, have hormones, kiss girls, date, have a baseball bat at the front door, the need for condoms under the sink and in the wallet. this is all spoken in jest I found myself concluding that a boy would be by far easier to raise.

My mom said to me once, "Dear daughter, while girls are a lot of work, and yes boys are much more simple. However, having a son will someday break your heart." I never really understood her, until recently, I think I am beginning to understand it. He is coming of age, and he has had missteps, made a few bad choices, and now I have to witness the consequences of those choices.

I am powerless to change the things he has chosen to do. I raised him to be a free thinking individual and to be responsible for the choices he makes, both good and bad. Thus far he has lived up to that, and as such why he is now in trouble. He could have lied, blamed someone else, or been evasive. No, instead he took responsibility and told the truth. Am I wrong to feel proud of this? Ah, that is where the conflict lies.

My only hope is that I may help him get back on his path, by not enabling him, but by empowering him and giving him the boundaries he is lacking with his father.

Sorry this isn't a curse filled sarcastic rant, nor is it full of kinky thoughts or ramblings. I just had to put my thoughts into words. After all I am a mom, I am human, I am more than just a profile on a kinky website.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.

(original entry January 2010)