Yes Sir, may I please have another?

My Redneck Zen Master once told me that I must become what I seek in another.

What I understand this to mean is: That if I seek love, I must love myself. If I seek compassion, I must be compassionate. If I seek romance, then I must be romantic. If I seek trust, I must trust myself. If I seek authenticity, then I must be authentic.

Pretty sound logic in my book, and something that is a work in progress for me. I must say I am a better person than I was well over 2 years ago. (Wow time zips by when you're having fun or going through hell!)

As my mind mulls this nugget over, I look at the latest string of encounters I have had and I wonder what in the hell has attracted me to them (or they to me)? Why did I not see the tell-tale signs and the warning bells & whistles? Is my judgement that off? Am I that fucked up? Or are they just that good at hiding their true self?

This last one hid his illness for 3 years, and then BAMOLA! It's like an old maneuver I learned from hand-to-hand combat called "Butt stroke to the head"You never see it coming until your flat on your arse seeing stars singing "O say can you see!"

I am one who nurtures. No, I am not a slave, nor am I submissive. However I have this need to serve others and nurture. It is, I think, the only thing I miss about being married or being in service. The nurturing, I find, is fulfilling and satisfying to know that others have benefitted from me.

I want/need with all my heart to be "in love" and to nurture. Is this need making me blind? Is it fucking up my judgement so much that I cannot see clearly?

I guess time will tell, experiences happen, and I will continue on nurturing myself, my friendships and those that I love.

I have to trust myself to remain vulnerable, and remind myself that making a mistake is not a weakness, but a strength. Mistakes are just tools that help me to move forward on my path.

I have the courage to continue.
I have the strength to love.
I have the stubbornness to just be....

^..^

Pinch Me!?

It's been some time... well, actually a very long time, since I have....

While I am afraid to feel too hopeful or too excited or too loved where is this bar? Who in the fuck set it? I need to have a word with them.

How do I tell if I am too much of anything?

This time feelings are reciprocated.
This time the intensity is matched.
This time he is into me as much as I am into him.
This time can I string together days where I don't go and fuck shit up?

I am afraid of falling. It hurts when you hit bottom. There is love and then there is this... this thing... this flutter ... this OMFG Can I REALLY Feel this way? and have him not run away or reject me?

So far...with the secrets I have shared, my soul I have bared...he still wants me in his bed, within his reach, stroking my skin, making me sigh, and he hasn't rejected me, he hasn't been appalled by my wants dreams and desires.

It's new, it's shiny, it's surreal, it's this girls dream, it's full of hope, and my cup is brimming and about to run over and spill out...

I hope...
I dream...
I love...