Just here for the kinky sex ... kthxbi ;)

 (original entry May 2010)

Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?

Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.

I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.

As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.

So to answer my own questions:

I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.

My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.

My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.

Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.

After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?

^..^

(original entry May 2010)

Growth....

(Original entry February 2010)

When you grow something, anything, be it a flower, a fruit, a vegetable, or a tree, you usually plant a seed.

Then you watch and wait for it to grow. You water this seed, fertilize it, make sure it has enough sun light, but not too much. Too much will kill it, yet not enough and it will be stunted or fail to produce a flower or a fruit.

My mind has become a garden. Planting seeds, seeing which ones respond to the care you would give to bare fruit. I tasted the fruits of my labor thus far last night. Boy is it sweet!

There was so much positive energy to be had, so much love, so many choruses of screams in both pain, ecstasy, and not to mention laughter. Being able to see new faces, interact and greet so many that I was high from it the rest of the evening. I just could not stop smiling, giggling and laughing.

I sat there and observed, and thinking to myself "girl you have this silly ass grin on your face, lose it now or they will think you had gone mad!"

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I think I got a taste of that "unreasonable happiness". What is that you may ask? Well for me it is me being happy with out reason. Happy to just "be". In the here and now and in the moment.

Though I am faced with things that frighten the hell out of me in the very near future, I know that these things are inevitable and it is for the best that I close one door to move through another. So while March 24th is just around the corner, so goes the rest of my growth and healing.

I will not only be healing physically (with a really cool scar on the front of my neck) but I shall be healing and growing mentally and spiritually. I have a ton more work to do, but I am determined to have the tools and right people around me. People who love me for me, not who they think I should be.

I thank you all for helping me grow these seeds that I have sewn. They are very precious to me as are all of you.

With much love and many blessings,

Kimmie ^..^

(Original entry February 2010)