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Meow ^..^ is a growing, evolving, kinky, carbon based critter, sexual deviant, closet artist, a working graphic designer for the last 15 years, and I am stuck in Utah. This is about my journey...
Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Spider and the Fly or Just Another Kinky Relationship?

I've had days where I have felt like this. Some days I am the Spider and other days I am the fly... Who are you today?


I just recently re-read this and just had to share in it's awesomeness..
___________________________________________________________




Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly, 
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; 
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, 
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there." 
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain, 
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again." 




"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; 
Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly. 
"There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, 
And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!" 
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said, 
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!" 




Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, " Dear friend what can I do, 
To prove the warm affection I 've always felt for you? 
I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice; 
I'm sure you're very welcome -- will you please to take a slice?" 
"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "kind Sir, that cannot be, 
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!" 




"Sweet creature!" said the Spider, "you're witty and you're wise, 
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes! 
I've a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf, 
If you'll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself." 
"I thank you, gentle sir," she said, "for what you 're pleased to say, 
And bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day." 




The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den, 
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again: 
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly, 
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly. 
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing, 
"Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing; 
Your robes are green and purple -- there's a crest upon your head; 
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!" 


Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly, 
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by; 
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew, 
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue -- 
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last, 
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast. 
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den, 
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again! 




And now dear little children, who may this story read, 
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed: 
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye, 
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.




- Mary Howitt

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Moving Boxes...



I have been opening, unpacking and moving boxes for the last 12 months or so. Some of these boxes are inside of my mind, some of the boxes are physical belongings from my move from place to place.

I get really tired of doing this over and over, but it seems I will more than likely spend the rest of my life in motion. 

Is that such a bad thing?

I have unpacked a few things only to realize I have no place for them, so I pack it all back into the box, shove it in a corner to be unpacked another day. 

Procrastination?

Other boxes I have taken "this or that" out of necessity and closed the box only to return it to the shelf. After all I got what I needed out of it, and someday perhaps I will need the rest of what's in the box. 

Does this make me a pack rat?

I have days where I just want to empty the contents of the boxes and toss the boxes away. 


I have days where I want to just throw out the boxes full of stuff from my past. 

Could it be genuine fear that keeps me from doing either of these things?

Perhaps.

I have finally found a voice in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust, from 3 decades of abuse and neglect. One of the boxes I unpacked recently was full of courage. Put those two together and I have found I can do just about anything I set my mind to. 

Can you imagine me being able to say No? 

I can tell you I have had to learn how & when to say "No".

One box that I had been eyeing for some time was owned by someone else... I was looking to put myself in that very box as property. That box got too small too fast. I've found that while my life may be full of boxes, I am not meant to be in one. 

Is this a bad thing? 

It could have been, but now I have chosen not to find out.

I wonder around here from this forum to that forum reading & observing, pondering the mistakes I've made, the losses I've had, and the great gains I've earned. I have been able to conclude that I am not fit for "slavery" anymore than I can fit in a small box. While it works for many of you out there, I've found it personally will not work for me. 

I will eventually tear out the seams or fall through the bottom of that box.

I have learned that I can only give service when I personally "have" something to give emotionally/physically. 

What good is giving away an empty box?

I have learned that my sexuality is fluid. I don't just fuck/lick/suck anything or anyone, I can be quite picky and intimacy is a HUGE turn on for me. 

It's not about the size or shape of the box for me. 

I have also pondered my masochistic tendancies and found I tend "use" physical pain. I use it as a form of catharsis. I don't enjoy pain one bit, it doesn't "get me off" in that manner. For me receiving pain has to be on my terms and no one else's for it to be useful and effective. 

Masochism = My Cold Box

My sex and my pain are two separate experiences for me, and I enjoy my sex way too much to really mix the two. 

Sex = My Hot Box

I do have many sadistic thoughts, I have been able to experiment with those. They are a very dark part of myself that I still try to keep in a box, and can only let it out to play when so inclined and the energy is right.

Sadism = My Pandora's Box

I have learned more about polyamory, and have found that for me, being single & poly, my "primary" relationship is with myself. I am not "wired" for patriarchal type relationships. I have learned that I can have that love and intimacy I need with many others on so many different levels. It's natural for me to love more, to embrace more and "be" more. In order to not compromise my personal authenticity I have found I must stick to egalitarian-type relationships.

I have had to "move into" being this confident and comfortable with who I am. 

I still have many boxes to unpack, and slowly but surely someday I shall be home. 

^..^ 

Monday, June 28, 2010

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:
"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."
"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."
I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 

#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

A Few Things I learned this weekend... ^..^


1. One should never yank on a chain when there is a big hairy man on the other end.
2. I really like yanking chains (they jingle & they are shiny)
3. When said chain is yanked get ready to wrestle... well more like be tackled than wrestle. He is much bigger than I.
4. Happiness is being bound and chained.
5. Love is waking up and realizing you are bound in more ways than one.

A poem with no real form or rhyme but plenty of reason



(original entry June 15, 2010)
whatever it is make it fucking STOP
make it go away...
I do not like it.
It is not who I am.
It is just an illusion.
It will be gone as soon as I turn around ...
but yet...
it's not working.
it is not going away.
a seed planted in fertile ground sprouted...
is it a fucking weed?
Pull it out!
wait ...
watch...
look! ....
awe shit ...
it's budded..
MUST see it blossom first.
Once I see the blossom
then and only then can I decide
whether or not
to poison it.
make sure I kill the root.
don't want it coming back
ever...
like a weed.
^..^

Just here for the kinky sex ... kthxbi ;)


 (original entry May 2010)


Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?
Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.
I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.
As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.
So to answer my own questions:
I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.
My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.
My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.
Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.
After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?
^..^


(original entry May 2010)

Becoming Disillusioned...


(original entry April 2010)


Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.
An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.
"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin
"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith
I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.
"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith
For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.
18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.
Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?
Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.
Be blessed and take care.
^..^



(original entry April 2010)