I Can Not Choose to be Polyamorous...

Too many times I have been asked "What are you looking for?" GAH! How that question makes me cringe... How about asking me what I need instead?


One good friend of mine, whom I call my Redneck Zen Master, asked me "What is love?" 


I pondered for a second or two... thought I had come up with this profound answer that would prove my enlightenment and I answered "Love is sacred and divine" HA! I showed him I thought...


The Redneck Zen Masters response to the same question "Love is big" I thought he had really lost a marble or two at that moment. It's taken me almost a year to really grasp the definition of what he was saying, and even then I still doubt I will ever be so very enlightened as to fully understand.


Being raised with the illusion of a fairy tale mixed with the "American Dream" So many years spent chasing "the one" and the little house with the white picket fence, and then have it only fall apart being left with the pieces of who I used to be, one could have easily given up. Good thing I am stubborn....


Finding and learning about Polyamory & Open Relationships has made it possible to actually attain what it is I need to be content and happy. It made me realize that what I need cannot be found in just one person, but many people. Many loves.


So to answer the question what do I need? 


I need a part time Daddy - One who I can be utterly vulnerable with, who will cherish me and inspire my growth as a woman.


I need Lovers - who can be tender, loving, and romantic. Who will worship the Goddess inside of me.


I need Sadists - who will challenge me, who will feed the masochist inside me.


I need Playmates - who will inspire both my dominance and my submission. For me this is fluid and organic.


I need Friends - who accept me for who I am and appreciate all of my good and bad qualities. Who call me on my bullshit when I am in need of it.


Above all and what I need the most is Myself. - I need to remain authentic to myself. I need to trust myself to make mistakes, learn and grow from them. I need to love myself as freely as I love others.


Monogamy can not give me what I need. I cannot put all of my needs and expectations onto one person. It is an impossible task, not to mention the pressure one would have to endure trying to fulfill them. That is not love.


Having open relationships and loving freely come natural to me, and if you know me at all, you know this to be true. In being authentic to what is within my nature, I must trust that this universe I live in will fulfill my relationship needs. 


I must trust myself and say "Yes" because I have no control over what the universe will provide no more than I have any control of what tomorrow may bring. To say "No" to opportunities would be falling back into the illusion that I can control the universe. 


Polyamory is organic and natural for me. Is it for you? 


Only you can answer that. It takes great strength to maintain polyamorous relationships. This past year I have had many doubts if it is the "right" thing for me. I have witnessed seemingly strong relationships break apart and torn asunder because of Polyamory, the pressure it can bring and the work it entails. 


Practicing polyamory is hard work, but I also know that it is well worth the reward. 


For me having open relationships is Big Love. 

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

Just here for the kinky sex ... kthxbi ;)

 (original entry May 2010)

Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?

Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.

I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.

As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.

So to answer my own questions:

I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.

My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.

My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.

Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.

After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?

^..^

(original entry May 2010)

Thoughts...

(Original entry May 2010)

"It is not only for unanswered questions that we seek knowledge, but also for the examination of unquestioned answers."

This is something I have been practicing more and more every day. Running answers through my filter... surprisingly it has revealed so much of who I am to myself. How is it I never thought to do this before? Have you ever questioned what you are told about issues, politics & religion or have you just accepted it as a truth?

"Through pain and not getting what I want and expect, I learn the most about my attachments and about myself, and thus I can grow."

This is a lesson that I have spent my whole life thus far learning the hard way. I wonder why it is I only just came to realize the wisdom in it.

"Suffering may force a new perspective and perception about what is reality. It can weaken the ego through repeated frustration just enough to allow a giving up or surrendering, which opens the person to the possibility of transcending his or her previous belief systems and levels of consciousness."

I really liked this for some reason. Who knows, maybe it will have a deeper meaning, perhaps it will mean nothing at all. All I know is that I no longer carry deep seated guilt and shame.

(Original entry May 2010)

Finding that elusive Goddess in me...

(original entry February 2010)

She is in there, in a box, and for so many years She has been bound and gagged. Good news is.....

I FOUND THE SAFETY SCISSORS!!!!

She has been bound in darkness all of my adult life thus far. She is a bit shy and timid, not too sure if She is safe to come out. She had gotten comfortable with being in the dark recesses of my mind. I don't think She has seen the light of day since She was 5 years old.

In reading this book, A Goddess In My Shoes by Rickie Moore, has been a stepping stone to healing and constructing a shrine to the Goddess that is within me. It is truly ok to let go of the guilt I have had most of my adult life. To awaken my spirit, my mind and my body to the wonders around me.

It's ok to be who I truly am, it's ok to have thoughts and feelings. To live in the moment and relish it for all it's worth. This is what I have to look forward to. Crying because I can, and laughing through the tears at the wonder of it all.

I am open, I am exposed, I am standing naked before you striped of all veils that I hid behind for all those years. I ask you .... have you ever witnessed something so beautiful and precious?

I haven't... until recently. I didn't know who I was, and was afraid that if I found out, I wouldn't want to share that with anybody. All I had ever seen of myself were reflections in society's distorted mirror. Now with that veil ripped away, I can see clearly... I have my own mirror.

I love who I see in it, honestly and openly. I am learning to love that Goddess within me.

Below I have shared a few quotes that really spoke to me from this book.

---

"Life is a search for personal power. We all need it and we all grab for it. I had used sex, money, drugs, my role and my position to grab at it. Using sex to gain power is like screwing a slot machine...it's cold as steel and we rarely hit the jackpot."

Liberation is the freedom to tolerate, change or be grateful.

Awakening means being consumed with awareness of the present. It means dropping denial and accepting what is. It means giving up beliefs in exchange for knowing.

Enlightenment means living in the light of truth. It doesn't mean knowing everything. To me, it means knowing we can either light-up when we destroy ourselves, or when we see the stars in each other's eyes.

That choice is our destiny.

-Rickie Moore, A Goddess In My Shoes

---

Next up...Eastern Body Western Mind - Anodea Judith

I have a lot of work to do yet, and hopefully I will never finish the work but reap rewards along the way. If I am ever finished, well let's just say I won't be here on earth anymore ;)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Broken? Think again...

(original entry February 2010)

"We are not broken, or dramatically lost, or in need of fixing or salvation. So powerful and fundamental are Tao and Ch'i that it is not possible for us to depart far from them. Each of us is already 'home' in the deepest sense." - Raymond Barnett

I really find so much value in this. I have struggled with it for years, decades even... hell just recently here in this journal I wondered about it.

For so many years I practiced what every one else was preaching. Because of my deviant thoughts or urges I was broken, evil, or just wrong. Seeking the "fix" or salvation because something was so very "wrong" with me.

Point of this is I am actively learning there really is no good or bad, there just "is" and all I can do is let it pass through me, feel it, and move on. So simple right? Oh fuck no. It is one of the hardest lessons I am learning personally.

This book has been more of an eye opener than I expected. It provided me many "Ah Ha!" moments and while I have finished it and am moving on to the next... I am sure I shall be referring back to it many times.

Next book... Goddess in My Shoes :)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Growth....

(Original entry February 2010)

When you grow something, anything, be it a flower, a fruit, a vegetable, or a tree, you usually plant a seed.

Then you watch and wait for it to grow. You water this seed, fertilize it, make sure it has enough sun light, but not too much. Too much will kill it, yet not enough and it will be stunted or fail to produce a flower or a fruit.

My mind has become a garden. Planting seeds, seeing which ones respond to the care you would give to bare fruit. I tasted the fruits of my labor thus far last night. Boy is it sweet!

There was so much positive energy to be had, so much love, so many choruses of screams in both pain, ecstasy, and not to mention laughter. Being able to see new faces, interact and greet so many that I was high from it the rest of the evening. I just could not stop smiling, giggling and laughing.

I sat there and observed, and thinking to myself "girl you have this silly ass grin on your face, lose it now or they will think you had gone mad!"

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I think I got a taste of that "unreasonable happiness". What is that you may ask? Well for me it is me being happy with out reason. Happy to just "be". In the here and now and in the moment.

Though I am faced with things that frighten the hell out of me in the very near future, I know that these things are inevitable and it is for the best that I close one door to move through another. So while March 24th is just around the corner, so goes the rest of my growth and healing.

I will not only be healing physically (with a really cool scar on the front of my neck) but I shall be healing and growing mentally and spiritually. I have a ton more work to do, but I am determined to have the tools and right people around me. People who love me for me, not who they think I should be.

I thank you all for helping me grow these seeds that I have sewn. They are very precious to me as are all of you.

With much love and many blessings,

Kimmie ^..^

(Original entry February 2010)

Broken or just different?

(original entry February 2010)

I look around and so many things seem broken. Is it just me that sees this? Am I the one who is broken and they are all normal and whole?

I am working hard to fix or mend what is broke inside of me both with my body and my mind. Many might not see it, but I see it. I can now look in that mirror and see the improvement. I can look myself in the eyes and smile.

Can you?

Just this last August '09 I was with a group of lady friends at a gathering, we had snacks and shared with each other a little piece of ourselves. There was this exercise... Where you had to look in a mirror and say something positive or nice about yourself. I couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I can.

I am far from perfect, far from where I would like to be, but I am better off than where I was a year ago let alone 6 months ago.

Does this simple fact make me open my eyes, mind and heart wider? Is that why I can see other things that are broken or cracked within me? I feel like a little girl sticking her fingers in the holes of a leaking dyke.

It seems at times that when I mend or fix one thing, I end up finding something else that needs attended to. Why is that? I think honestly it is a process of growth but does it ever end?

No, it doesn't end. This is what I have concluded. I am an ocean, I ebb and flow. I am fluid, ever changing, always evolving.

Perhaps some day I will be truly comfortable with being abnormal.

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Living, Learning, Laughing, & Loving....

(original entry February 2010)

These four things I could not "be" without. They are becoming my life blood, the force that keeps me going and getting through another day.

I am evolving, I am changing, but yet I am finding I am the same person just with "upgrades". Knocking down the preconceptions and thoughts I previously had on many things from kink, to sex, to polyamory, and beyond. No longer will I be locking myself in the closet when it comes to the exploration of my spirit and mind.

I am learning to just "be" and it is one hell of a trip and a half to learn things about myself that have always been there, just never nourished. Well break out the fertilizer, because new ideas are taking root and it is time to grow.

I have a song in my heart, and warmth in my soul. It is a wondrous experience this exploration of oneself. There is no where on earth I would rather be than to be right here, right now, being who I am, loving who I love, serving those I love, with an open heart, mind & spirit.

Welcome to my world. Fasten your seat belts, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, sit back and enjoy the ride, I know I sure as hell am :)

(original entry February 2010)