Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)

Growth....

(Original entry February 2010)

When you grow something, anything, be it a flower, a fruit, a vegetable, or a tree, you usually plant a seed.

Then you watch and wait for it to grow. You water this seed, fertilize it, make sure it has enough sun light, but not too much. Too much will kill it, yet not enough and it will be stunted or fail to produce a flower or a fruit.

My mind has become a garden. Planting seeds, seeing which ones respond to the care you would give to bare fruit. I tasted the fruits of my labor thus far last night. Boy is it sweet!

There was so much positive energy to be had, so much love, so many choruses of screams in both pain, ecstasy, and not to mention laughter. Being able to see new faces, interact and greet so many that I was high from it the rest of the evening. I just could not stop smiling, giggling and laughing.

I sat there and observed, and thinking to myself "girl you have this silly ass grin on your face, lose it now or they will think you had gone mad!"

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I think I got a taste of that "unreasonable happiness". What is that you may ask? Well for me it is me being happy with out reason. Happy to just "be". In the here and now and in the moment.

Though I am faced with things that frighten the hell out of me in the very near future, I know that these things are inevitable and it is for the best that I close one door to move through another. So while March 24th is just around the corner, so goes the rest of my growth and healing.

I will not only be healing physically (with a really cool scar on the front of my neck) but I shall be healing and growing mentally and spiritually. I have a ton more work to do, but I am determined to have the tools and right people around me. People who love me for me, not who they think I should be.

I thank you all for helping me grow these seeds that I have sewn. They are very precious to me as are all of you.

With much love and many blessings,

Kimmie ^..^

(Original entry February 2010)