Great Expectations

I don't know, but the title sounded good. I think everyone has these great expectations though. I recently read a friends journal entry, and it's started me to ponder a few things...

I expect people to be human in their humanity. With free will humans are full of flaws as well as beauty in that perfection of their flaws.

Perfection you say? Yes! I believe that having flaws makes me perfect. It is what makes me... Kimmie, Kim, Kimberly, bitch, lover, slut... or better yet, simply Mee_Ow.

Getting comfortable with this notion has taken some time but I still wonder why it is many still strive to be "perfect" to someone else's standard? Why not create your own standard? Why adopt someone else's point of view of yourself?

Why not form your own opinion and have the faith that you will eventually find your bliss through that perspective?

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. It takes strength beyond measure to be true to yourself first above all your peers. It takes being brave to form and voice your own opinion when it goes against the views of society. It takes honor & integrity to have the humility to admit openly when your opinion is wrong or has changed.

So why do most people think that showing any of the above characteristics is a weakness or less than desired?

The hardest part for me thus far has been letting go of expectations that I have unknowingly put upon others. To truly see my error in this, I feel, has been my greatest stride and has led me to be able to finally set down baggage that I have carried around with me from the age of 5 years old.

Letting go of them has given me freedom like I have never known. It has restored my youth, it has taught me how to accept love, it has healed what has ailed me for so many years.

All you have to do is give yourself that permission to be perfectly flawed.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

What is "Love"?

(original entry March 2010)

What is Love to you?

Is there just one simple definition? Can you put it in a box and slap a label on it? Is it tangible? Does it exist as a "thing" or is it merely an emotion and feeling?

Someone told me that love can cure... love can heal anything. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one.

Someone asked me to define Sacred... as in what is sacred to me... at first I really couldn't define it... but then I came up with Sacred = Divine...

Now I am thinking it would be more to the effect that my definition of what I find sacred is Love.

Sacred to me is loving myself enough unconditionally, openly, willfully... I am a Goddess, I am Divine, I am Sacred, I am Love.

Your thoughts?

^..^

(original entry March 2010)

Broken? Think again...

(original entry February 2010)

"We are not broken, or dramatically lost, or in need of fixing or salvation. So powerful and fundamental are Tao and Ch'i that it is not possible for us to depart far from them. Each of us is already 'home' in the deepest sense." - Raymond Barnett

I really find so much value in this. I have struggled with it for years, decades even... hell just recently here in this journal I wondered about it.

For so many years I practiced what every one else was preaching. Because of my deviant thoughts or urges I was broken, evil, or just wrong. Seeking the "fix" or salvation because something was so very "wrong" with me.

Point of this is I am actively learning there really is no good or bad, there just "is" and all I can do is let it pass through me, feel it, and move on. So simple right? Oh fuck no. It is one of the hardest lessons I am learning personally.

This book has been more of an eye opener than I expected. It provided me many "Ah Ha!" moments and while I have finished it and am moving on to the next... I am sure I shall be referring back to it many times.

Next book... Goddess in My Shoes :)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Growth....

(Original entry February 2010)

When you grow something, anything, be it a flower, a fruit, a vegetable, or a tree, you usually plant a seed.

Then you watch and wait for it to grow. You water this seed, fertilize it, make sure it has enough sun light, but not too much. Too much will kill it, yet not enough and it will be stunted or fail to produce a flower or a fruit.

My mind has become a garden. Planting seeds, seeing which ones respond to the care you would give to bare fruit. I tasted the fruits of my labor thus far last night. Boy is it sweet!

There was so much positive energy to be had, so much love, so many choruses of screams in both pain, ecstasy, and not to mention laughter. Being able to see new faces, interact and greet so many that I was high from it the rest of the evening. I just could not stop smiling, giggling and laughing.

I sat there and observed, and thinking to myself "girl you have this silly ass grin on your face, lose it now or they will think you had gone mad!"

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I think I got a taste of that "unreasonable happiness". What is that you may ask? Well for me it is me being happy with out reason. Happy to just "be". In the here and now and in the moment.

Though I am faced with things that frighten the hell out of me in the very near future, I know that these things are inevitable and it is for the best that I close one door to move through another. So while March 24th is just around the corner, so goes the rest of my growth and healing.

I will not only be healing physically (with a really cool scar on the front of my neck) but I shall be healing and growing mentally and spiritually. I have a ton more work to do, but I am determined to have the tools and right people around me. People who love me for me, not who they think I should be.

I thank you all for helping me grow these seeds that I have sewn. They are very precious to me as are all of you.

With much love and many blessings,

Kimmie ^..^

(Original entry February 2010)