Non-Consensual Stalking...

Yes my kinky friends, I do find that being "prey" can be hot when it is with my negotiated consent. Being stalked can be negotiated safely, and play can ensue in a consensual manner. It can be extremely erotic, and makes me moist just to think about it.


I've done this before, dealt with a true blue stalker, many moons ago. He now sits in a Calif. prison having committed his third strike. He was the aggressive possessive type, the "if I can't have you then no one can" type. He got close, but being the genuine idiot he would pull a stupid maneuver and get caught. 


This of course was long before the advent of "online networking" and the interwebs. You had to physically stalk someone in person. Now a days, it is fairly easy to stalk someone as open as I am online. I will admit it, but I have been very lucky thus far... knocks on wood to not have anyone attack me cyber-wise. After all I have never seen the usefulness of making online threats, they sincerely have not instilled the fear as an actual "live" stalker has. All one has to do is log off, hit the "iggy" button or block them.


I have had many years of "stalker" free life. Lucky me, and thus far in my dating experiences, I consider myself fortunate to have not picked up another. I thought I had dealt with the fear, the physical, mental and emotional abuse that this stalker of mine delivered so long ago. Until now, that is...


I have not been an apartment dweller for a very long time. Apartment living is a whole different removed world when living in a large complex. Most folks keep to themselves and go about their daily activities, minding their own business. A kind "Hello" in the mail room, working out in the gym, or relaxing in the hot tub. It is a unique community all unto its own.


Then there was the fella in the Laundromat. Flirting while I was handling my bra's stockings and undies. A tad on the shy side had only kind words, and came across in a very non-aggressive manner. My first thought... how sweet, but too submissive, too shy and quiet. He said he liked my convertible. He left and I didn't run into him for at least 4 months. 


Then one day... while doing laundry again, he struck up a conversation. Friendly, still shy, still submissive, but this time he asked for my number, wanted to know if we could hang out, catch a movie or watch a race or football game. I thought sure! What's the harm? I was not sexually attracted to this person, but I thought we could be friends. 


His personality of being a shy, submissive male evaporated as soon as he was behind closed doors. I have had to physically remove him from my apartment, and now comes the stalking... 


The late night, early morning phone calls, the knocking at my door, the walking past my apartment 5-10 times a night, the text messages, the approaching me while I am going to or from my car. The repeated and clear message of "No" falling on deaf ears.


This is not hot, this is not sexy, this fear has NOT been negotiated with my consent. My weapon lays at the head of my bed loaded, waiting, watching, listening in fear. 


The apartment management has threatened him with eviction, a police report filed, next will be a restraining order. You would think this makes me feel safe, yes I would like to think that.... but it doesn't. If I could offer one piece of advice folks... 


Just because a person is a kinky, poly slut it does not change the definition of "No".

Compersion, Intimacy & Empathy

Laying awake at night I ponder various things... like these: Compersion, Intimacy and Empathy.


These 3 words, these 3 states of "feeling", if you will, are fairly new to me. Perhaps I had felt one or the other in the past, but never fully acknowledged their existence let alone have a name for them.


Now that I have experienced these within my current relationships and friendships, I sincerely believe that I can not exist without them both now and in the future. I am loath to pick up the armor I once carried. Its heavy and burdensome. 


Sure, I am single, yes I am polyamorous, yes I am a slut. I've been told I am kinky, and I've even enjoyed sex with a woman! Does this mean I will seek out relationships with every person who has a pulse? No. Does this mean I will fuck anyone? No. My relationships don't need sex to exist, they don't need validation of a marriage or a contract. All they need are these three ingredients. 


I am not seeking to be possessed nor do I wish to possess any of my partners or friends.


I am not seeking for someone to "complete" me, nor do I wish to "complete" them. I am a whole woman, not half a woman. I would prefer to deal with a whole person myself.


I do beg to ask a simple question though: Do you think it is possible to have these 3 things; compersion, intimacy & empathy, even after the relationship or friendship ends? If so is it healthy for you to have them? 


For reference here are my working definitions:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.


Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.


Empathy is the capacity to share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being through consciousness rather than physically. Empathy develops the ability to have compassion towards other beings.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Just here for the kinky sex ... kthxbi ;)

 (original entry May 2010)

Makes me wonder... why am I here? What are my motives? What are my desires? Who the fuck am I?

Well for starters I am just me. I am fortunate enough in my life to have had the opportunity to start anew. Being disillusioned and living authentically is really much harder than it seems it would be. So many pressures from outside influences can hamper this. Whether it be your family, your nilla friends, your kinky friends, or your workplace. My only tool to battle these is my ability to question everything I am told.

I have a specific journey I wish to embark upon, and the only way I will be able to travel that path is through my local kink community. There is knowledge and know-how there that I do not posses. I value them and as well have great respect for them. What I seek to do requires a great intimacy of sorts, one that I have not experienced or delved into before with anyone.

As I reflect upon this as a witness, it makes me realize just how much I have changed in just 2-3 months time. My relationships are completely different than they ever were before. Some have lasted, some have fallen by the wayside, some have yet to be nurtured. Regardless, I am reaching that simple phase of"Thou art that" or put more simply I am my own planet within the larger universe.

So to answer my own questions:

I don't know why I am here, and I am ok with that.

My motives are very intimate and selfish. I seek personal growth and enlightenment.

My desires are to develop intimacy on many levels with everyone in my life, and to not have just mere acquaintances.

Who the fuck am I? Well I am not who I was 2 months ago or 2 days ago. I am me.

After all... aren't we all just here for the kinky sex?

^..^

(original entry May 2010)