Great Expectations

I don't know, but the title sounded good. I think everyone has these great expectations though. I recently read a friends journal entry, and it's started me to ponder a few things...

I expect people to be human in their humanity. With free will humans are full of flaws as well as beauty in that perfection of their flaws.

Perfection you say? Yes! I believe that having flaws makes me perfect. It is what makes me... Kimmie, Kim, Kimberly, bitch, lover, slut... or better yet, simply Mee_Ow.

Getting comfortable with this notion has taken some time but I still wonder why it is many still strive to be "perfect" to someone else's standard? Why not create your own standard? Why adopt someone else's point of view of yourself?

Why not form your own opinion and have the faith that you will eventually find your bliss through that perspective?

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. It takes strength beyond measure to be true to yourself first above all your peers. It takes being brave to form and voice your own opinion when it goes against the views of society. It takes honor & integrity to have the humility to admit openly when your opinion is wrong or has changed.

So why do most people think that showing any of the above characteristics is a weakness or less than desired?

The hardest part for me thus far has been letting go of expectations that I have unknowingly put upon others. To truly see my error in this, I feel, has been my greatest stride and has led me to be able to finally set down baggage that I have carried around with me from the age of 5 years old.

Letting go of them has given me freedom like I have never known. It has restored my youth, it has taught me how to accept love, it has healed what has ailed me for so many years.

All you have to do is give yourself that permission to be perfectly flawed.

SLUT Redefined... We don't need no stinkin' walk... We need to be self empowered.

A sign at the Boston Slutwalk
Photo Credit: facebook.com-- Mitch Lewis

I am a slut.

Accept it - I have.

Deal with it or not I really don't care.

Move on because you are wasting your time and energy trying to convince me of your views.

Are you that self righteous that you feel the need to pass judgment upon me? Do you really have nothing better to do?

I am living a life that only YOU wish you could live. YOU TOO can have happiness and bliss when you learn to quit giving away your personal power to others.

Take personal responsibility and own yourself!

The only person that can give you shame is yourself. Give yourself permission to live and love on your terms!

"Slut is also used as a slang term in the BDSM, polyamorous, gay and bisexual communities. With BDSM, polyamorous, and non-monogamous people, in usage taken from the book The Ethical Slut, the term has been used as an expression of choice to openly have multiple partners, and revel in that choice: "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." A slut is a person who has taken control of their sexuality and has sex with whomever they choose, regardless of religious or social pressures or conventions to conform to a straight-laced monogamous lifestyle committed to one partner for life. The term has been "taken back" to express the rejection of the concept that government, society, or religion may judge or control one's personal liberties, and the right to control one's own sexuality."

1. Just because I identify myself as an ethical slut does not mean you get to treat me as less than human, incapable of love and devotion.
2. Being a slut does not mean I will drop to my knees and suck your cock upon command. It takes intellect, wit and passion to make me give you an orgasm
3. Calling me a slut in the attempt to humiliate me or guilt me into submission will only embolden my dominance over you, fore it shows your weakness of mind, spirit and sexual prowess.

Finding that elusive Goddess in me...

(original entry February 2010)

She is in there, in a box, and for so many years She has been bound and gagged. Good news is.....

I FOUND THE SAFETY SCISSORS!!!!

She has been bound in darkness all of my adult life thus far. She is a bit shy and timid, not too sure if She is safe to come out. She had gotten comfortable with being in the dark recesses of my mind. I don't think She has seen the light of day since She was 5 years old.

In reading this book, A Goddess In My Shoes by Rickie Moore, has been a stepping stone to healing and constructing a shrine to the Goddess that is within me. It is truly ok to let go of the guilt I have had most of my adult life. To awaken my spirit, my mind and my body to the wonders around me.

It's ok to be who I truly am, it's ok to have thoughts and feelings. To live in the moment and relish it for all it's worth. This is what I have to look forward to. Crying because I can, and laughing through the tears at the wonder of it all.

I am open, I am exposed, I am standing naked before you striped of all veils that I hid behind for all those years. I ask you .... have you ever witnessed something so beautiful and precious?

I haven't... until recently. I didn't know who I was, and was afraid that if I found out, I wouldn't want to share that with anybody. All I had ever seen of myself were reflections in society's distorted mirror. Now with that veil ripped away, I can see clearly... I have my own mirror.

I love who I see in it, honestly and openly. I am learning to love that Goddess within me.

Below I have shared a few quotes that really spoke to me from this book.

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"Life is a search for personal power. We all need it and we all grab for it. I had used sex, money, drugs, my role and my position to grab at it. Using sex to gain power is like screwing a slot machine...it's cold as steel and we rarely hit the jackpot."

Liberation is the freedom to tolerate, change or be grateful.

Awakening means being consumed with awareness of the present. It means dropping denial and accepting what is. It means giving up beliefs in exchange for knowing.

Enlightenment means living in the light of truth. It doesn't mean knowing everything. To me, it means knowing we can either light-up when we destroy ourselves, or when we see the stars in each other's eyes.

That choice is our destiny.

-Rickie Moore, A Goddess In My Shoes

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Next up...Eastern Body Western Mind - Anodea Judith

I have a lot of work to do yet, and hopefully I will never finish the work but reap rewards along the way. If I am ever finished, well let's just say I won't be here on earth anymore ;)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Broken or just different?

(original entry February 2010)

I look around and so many things seem broken. Is it just me that sees this? Am I the one who is broken and they are all normal and whole?

I am working hard to fix or mend what is broke inside of me both with my body and my mind. Many might not see it, but I see it. I can now look in that mirror and see the improvement. I can look myself in the eyes and smile.

Can you?

Just this last August '09 I was with a group of lady friends at a gathering, we had snacks and shared with each other a little piece of ourselves. There was this exercise... Where you had to look in a mirror and say something positive or nice about yourself. I couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I can.

I am far from perfect, far from where I would like to be, but I am better off than where I was a year ago let alone 6 months ago.

Does this simple fact make me open my eyes, mind and heart wider? Is that why I can see other things that are broken or cracked within me? I feel like a little girl sticking her fingers in the holes of a leaking dyke.

It seems at times that when I mend or fix one thing, I end up finding something else that needs attended to. Why is that? I think honestly it is a process of growth but does it ever end?

No, it doesn't end. This is what I have concluded. I am an ocean, I ebb and flow. I am fluid, ever changing, always evolving.

Perhaps some day I will be truly comfortable with being abnormal.

^..^

(original entry February 2010)