Great Expectations

I don't know, but the title sounded good. I think everyone has these great expectations though. I recently read a friends journal entry, and it's started me to ponder a few things...

I expect people to be human in their humanity. With free will humans are full of flaws as well as beauty in that perfection of their flaws.

Perfection you say? Yes! I believe that having flaws makes me perfect. It is what makes me... Kimmie, Kim, Kimberly, bitch, lover, slut... or better yet, simply Mee_Ow.

Getting comfortable with this notion has taken some time but I still wonder why it is many still strive to be "perfect" to someone else's standard? Why not create your own standard? Why adopt someone else's point of view of yourself?

Why not form your own opinion and have the faith that you will eventually find your bliss through that perspective?

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. It takes strength beyond measure to be true to yourself first above all your peers. It takes being brave to form and voice your own opinion when it goes against the views of society. It takes honor & integrity to have the humility to admit openly when your opinion is wrong or has changed.

So why do most people think that showing any of the above characteristics is a weakness or less than desired?

The hardest part for me thus far has been letting go of expectations that I have unknowingly put upon others. To truly see my error in this, I feel, has been my greatest stride and has led me to be able to finally set down baggage that I have carried around with me from the age of 5 years old.

Letting go of them has given me freedom like I have never known. It has restored my youth, it has taught me how to accept love, it has healed what has ailed me for so many years.

All you have to do is give yourself that permission to be perfectly flawed.

SLUT Redefined... We don't need no stinkin' walk... We need to be self empowered.

A sign at the Boston Slutwalk
Photo Credit: facebook.com-- Mitch Lewis

I am a slut.

Accept it - I have.

Deal with it or not I really don't care.

Move on because you are wasting your time and energy trying to convince me of your views.

Are you that self righteous that you feel the need to pass judgment upon me? Do you really have nothing better to do?

I am living a life that only YOU wish you could live. YOU TOO can have happiness and bliss when you learn to quit giving away your personal power to others.

Take personal responsibility and own yourself!

The only person that can give you shame is yourself. Give yourself permission to live and love on your terms!

"Slut is also used as a slang term in the BDSM, polyamorous, gay and bisexual communities. With BDSM, polyamorous, and non-monogamous people, in usage taken from the book The Ethical Slut, the term has been used as an expression of choice to openly have multiple partners, and revel in that choice: "a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." A slut is a person who has taken control of their sexuality and has sex with whomever they choose, regardless of religious or social pressures or conventions to conform to a straight-laced monogamous lifestyle committed to one partner for life. The term has been "taken back" to express the rejection of the concept that government, society, or religion may judge or control one's personal liberties, and the right to control one's own sexuality."

1. Just because I identify myself as an ethical slut does not mean you get to treat me as less than human, incapable of love and devotion.
2. Being a slut does not mean I will drop to my knees and suck your cock upon command. It takes intellect, wit and passion to make me give you an orgasm
3. Calling me a slut in the attempt to humiliate me or guilt me into submission will only embolden my dominance over you, fore it shows your weakness of mind, spirit and sexual prowess.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Read... then Re-Read...

The work is never ending. Learning to remain open when all I want to do is close up shop and run away FAST!


I have read this book once. It has helped me down my path by leaps and bounds from where I was just in January of this year.


While I may have finished the book the first time through... I am starting all over from the beginning again. It is a completely different read now. I feel it will be a completely different journey.


One chakra at a time, one moment at a time. 

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)