Thoughts...

(Original entry May 2010)

"It is not only for unanswered questions that we seek knowledge, but also for the examination of unquestioned answers."

This is something I have been practicing more and more every day. Running answers through my filter... surprisingly it has revealed so much of who I am to myself. How is it I never thought to do this before? Have you ever questioned what you are told about issues, politics & religion or have you just accepted it as a truth?

"Through pain and not getting what I want and expect, I learn the most about my attachments and about myself, and thus I can grow."

This is a lesson that I have spent my whole life thus far learning the hard way. I wonder why it is I only just came to realize the wisdom in it.

"Suffering may force a new perspective and perception about what is reality. It can weaken the ego through repeated frustration just enough to allow a giving up or surrendering, which opens the person to the possibility of transcending his or her previous belief systems and levels of consciousness."

I really liked this for some reason. Who knows, maybe it will have a deeper meaning, perhaps it will mean nothing at all. All I know is that I no longer carry deep seated guilt and shame.

(Original entry May 2010)

Becoming Disillusioned...

(original entry April 2010)

Yes, folks I have been a busy lil' bee. Probably too busy for Dr's orders, but oh well.... I am a bit rusty in my writing but I am feeling the need to write about this. What I am learning has changed me greatly, can't say if it is for the better or for the worse... it is what it is, I am becoming my authentic self.

An illusion is a static image, displaced in the stream of time, and for that reason unreal. The illusion I hold of how something should be is usually an image of what it currently is not. My attachment to it pulls me out of present time, where I might see realistically. My fixation on my body being thinner fails to appreciate my body the way it is now. My illusion of how my relationships should be makes me criticize all the places my relationships fall short of that image, and I fail to see the meaning these issues might have for me. I have been suffering from illusion, fixated on images that have kept me from living clearly and authentically.

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

"Illusions are held in place by an investment of psychic energy. When we fixate on an image, everything becomes food for it's embellishment. When we invest in an illusion, it ties up our energy and perpetuates the attachment. The more we are attached, of course, the more energy we need to invest, and it is here that we run into the danger of obsession. Since illusion does not feed back the energy we invest, it does not bring any satisfaction or completion and, like an addiction, continues to lure us into its false promises." --Anodea Judith

I used to escape the unpleasant dramas of my family life and sexual abuse by sneaking my mom's romance novels as I grew up. Without consciously realizing it, I had adopted the illusion of the love affair that leads to the "happily ever after" model of marriage. As an adult, I invested all of my time and energy into my husband and family, never considering that the marriage might not last. As I was so invested in this image, I could not afford to look at the serious shortcomings of my marriage. I was in denial about my husbands abuse of me, and this denial pushed me to invest even more energy into trying to please him, hiding the abuse from my friends and family, and maintaining the outer image of a happy family. As this investment took away from my social life and my financial viability, it became even more important to uphold my marriage, and my denial in turn deepened. I obsessed about my husband constantly, always thinking about his needs at the expense of my own.

"The more we invest in an illusion, the harder it is to let go of it. The investment seals the energy into the illusion, giving it archetypal proportions. Sealed in, we are trapped into repetitive cycles that keep us from true understanding." --Anodea Judith

For 14 years I did this. For 14 years I clung to this illusion. It was my identity, it was my self-worth, my personal value, my archetype.

18 years later the illusion is gone. 18 years later, I am finding my authentic self. I am not sure if this lifestyle will remain a part of my archetype, and quite frankly I really don't care if it does. When I put myself back together I will not be the same. This is my current truth.

Will you like me? I don't know, and don't really care. Will you love me? That is for you to decide, not me. As long as I am living my own personal authentic truth, what does it matter to me?

Honestly your opinion doesn't concern me at all.

Be blessed and take care.

^..^

(original entry April 2010)

Finding that elusive Goddess in me...

(original entry February 2010)

She is in there, in a box, and for so many years She has been bound and gagged. Good news is.....

I FOUND THE SAFETY SCISSORS!!!!

She has been bound in darkness all of my adult life thus far. She is a bit shy and timid, not too sure if She is safe to come out. She had gotten comfortable with being in the dark recesses of my mind. I don't think She has seen the light of day since She was 5 years old.

In reading this book, A Goddess In My Shoes by Rickie Moore, has been a stepping stone to healing and constructing a shrine to the Goddess that is within me. It is truly ok to let go of the guilt I have had most of my adult life. To awaken my spirit, my mind and my body to the wonders around me.

It's ok to be who I truly am, it's ok to have thoughts and feelings. To live in the moment and relish it for all it's worth. This is what I have to look forward to. Crying because I can, and laughing through the tears at the wonder of it all.

I am open, I am exposed, I am standing naked before you striped of all veils that I hid behind for all those years. I ask you .... have you ever witnessed something so beautiful and precious?

I haven't... until recently. I didn't know who I was, and was afraid that if I found out, I wouldn't want to share that with anybody. All I had ever seen of myself were reflections in society's distorted mirror. Now with that veil ripped away, I can see clearly... I have my own mirror.

I love who I see in it, honestly and openly. I am learning to love that Goddess within me.

Below I have shared a few quotes that really spoke to me from this book.

---

"Life is a search for personal power. We all need it and we all grab for it. I had used sex, money, drugs, my role and my position to grab at it. Using sex to gain power is like screwing a slot machine...it's cold as steel and we rarely hit the jackpot."

Liberation is the freedom to tolerate, change or be grateful.

Awakening means being consumed with awareness of the present. It means dropping denial and accepting what is. It means giving up beliefs in exchange for knowing.

Enlightenment means living in the light of truth. It doesn't mean knowing everything. To me, it means knowing we can either light-up when we destroy ourselves, or when we see the stars in each other's eyes.

That choice is our destiny.

-Rickie Moore, A Goddess In My Shoes

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Next up...Eastern Body Western Mind - Anodea Judith

I have a lot of work to do yet, and hopefully I will never finish the work but reap rewards along the way. If I am ever finished, well let's just say I won't be here on earth anymore ;)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)

Broken? Think again...

(original entry February 2010)

"We are not broken, or dramatically lost, or in need of fixing or salvation. So powerful and fundamental are Tao and Ch'i that it is not possible for us to depart far from them. Each of us is already 'home' in the deepest sense." - Raymond Barnett

I really find so much value in this. I have struggled with it for years, decades even... hell just recently here in this journal I wondered about it.

For so many years I practiced what every one else was preaching. Because of my deviant thoughts or urges I was broken, evil, or just wrong. Seeking the "fix" or salvation because something was so very "wrong" with me.

Point of this is I am actively learning there really is no good or bad, there just "is" and all I can do is let it pass through me, feel it, and move on. So simple right? Oh fuck no. It is one of the hardest lessons I am learning personally.

This book has been more of an eye opener than I expected. It provided me many "Ah Ha!" moments and while I have finished it and am moving on to the next... I am sure I shall be referring back to it many times.

Next book... Goddess in My Shoes :)

^..^

(original entry February 2010)