I Can Not Choose to be Polyamorous...

Too many times I have been asked "What are you looking for?" GAH! How that question makes me cringe... How about asking me what I need instead?


One good friend of mine, whom I call my Redneck Zen Master, asked me "What is love?" 


I pondered for a second or two... thought I had come up with this profound answer that would prove my enlightenment and I answered "Love is sacred and divine" HA! I showed him I thought...


The Redneck Zen Masters response to the same question "Love is big" I thought he had really lost a marble or two at that moment. It's taken me almost a year to really grasp the definition of what he was saying, and even then I still doubt I will ever be so very enlightened as to fully understand.


Being raised with the illusion of a fairy tale mixed with the "American Dream" So many years spent chasing "the one" and the little house with the white picket fence, and then have it only fall apart being left with the pieces of who I used to be, one could have easily given up. Good thing I am stubborn....


Finding and learning about Polyamory & Open Relationships has made it possible to actually attain what it is I need to be content and happy. It made me realize that what I need cannot be found in just one person, but many people. Many loves.


So to answer the question what do I need? 


I need a part time Daddy - One who I can be utterly vulnerable with, who will cherish me and inspire my growth as a woman.


I need Lovers - who can be tender, loving, and romantic. Who will worship the Goddess inside of me.


I need Sadists - who will challenge me, who will feed the masochist inside me.


I need Playmates - who will inspire both my dominance and my submission. For me this is fluid and organic.


I need Friends - who accept me for who I am and appreciate all of my good and bad qualities. Who call me on my bullshit when I am in need of it.


Above all and what I need the most is Myself. - I need to remain authentic to myself. I need to trust myself to make mistakes, learn and grow from them. I need to love myself as freely as I love others.


Monogamy can not give me what I need. I cannot put all of my needs and expectations onto one person. It is an impossible task, not to mention the pressure one would have to endure trying to fulfill them. That is not love.


Having open relationships and loving freely come natural to me, and if you know me at all, you know this to be true. In being authentic to what is within my nature, I must trust that this universe I live in will fulfill my relationship needs. 


I must trust myself and say "Yes" because I have no control over what the universe will provide no more than I have any control of what tomorrow may bring. To say "No" to opportunities would be falling back into the illusion that I can control the universe. 


Polyamory is organic and natural for me. Is it for you? 


Only you can answer that. It takes great strength to maintain polyamorous relationships. This past year I have had many doubts if it is the "right" thing for me. I have witnessed seemingly strong relationships break apart and torn asunder because of Polyamory, the pressure it can bring and the work it entails. 


Practicing polyamory is hard work, but I also know that it is well worth the reward. 


For me having open relationships is Big Love. 

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Broken or just different?

(original entry February 2010)

I look around and so many things seem broken. Is it just me that sees this? Am I the one who is broken and they are all normal and whole?

I am working hard to fix or mend what is broke inside of me both with my body and my mind. Many might not see it, but I see it. I can now look in that mirror and see the improvement. I can look myself in the eyes and smile.

Can you?

Just this last August '09 I was with a group of lady friends at a gathering, we had snacks and shared with each other a little piece of ourselves. There was this exercise... Where you had to look in a mirror and say something positive or nice about yourself. I couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I can.

I am far from perfect, far from where I would like to be, but I am better off than where I was a year ago let alone 6 months ago.

Does this simple fact make me open my eyes, mind and heart wider? Is that why I can see other things that are broken or cracked within me? I feel like a little girl sticking her fingers in the holes of a leaking dyke.

It seems at times that when I mend or fix one thing, I end up finding something else that needs attended to. Why is that? I think honestly it is a process of growth but does it ever end?

No, it doesn't end. This is what I have concluded. I am an ocean, I ebb and flow. I am fluid, ever changing, always evolving.

Perhaps some day I will be truly comfortable with being abnormal.

^..^

(original entry February 2010)