I Can Not Choose to be Polyamorous...

Too many times I have been asked "What are you looking for?" GAH! How that question makes me cringe... How about asking me what I need instead?


One good friend of mine, whom I call my Redneck Zen Master, asked me "What is love?" 


I pondered for a second or two... thought I had come up with this profound answer that would prove my enlightenment and I answered "Love is sacred and divine" HA! I showed him I thought...


The Redneck Zen Masters response to the same question "Love is big" I thought he had really lost a marble or two at that moment. It's taken me almost a year to really grasp the definition of what he was saying, and even then I still doubt I will ever be so very enlightened as to fully understand.


Being raised with the illusion of a fairy tale mixed with the "American Dream" So many years spent chasing "the one" and the little house with the white picket fence, and then have it only fall apart being left with the pieces of who I used to be, one could have easily given up. Good thing I am stubborn....


Finding and learning about Polyamory & Open Relationships has made it possible to actually attain what it is I need to be content and happy. It made me realize that what I need cannot be found in just one person, but many people. Many loves.


So to answer the question what do I need? 


I need a part time Daddy - One who I can be utterly vulnerable with, who will cherish me and inspire my growth as a woman.


I need Lovers - who can be tender, loving, and romantic. Who will worship the Goddess inside of me.


I need Sadists - who will challenge me, who will feed the masochist inside me.


I need Playmates - who will inspire both my dominance and my submission. For me this is fluid and organic.


I need Friends - who accept me for who I am and appreciate all of my good and bad qualities. Who call me on my bullshit when I am in need of it.


Above all and what I need the most is Myself. - I need to remain authentic to myself. I need to trust myself to make mistakes, learn and grow from them. I need to love myself as freely as I love others.


Monogamy can not give me what I need. I cannot put all of my needs and expectations onto one person. It is an impossible task, not to mention the pressure one would have to endure trying to fulfill them. That is not love.


Having open relationships and loving freely come natural to me, and if you know me at all, you know this to be true. In being authentic to what is within my nature, I must trust that this universe I live in will fulfill my relationship needs. 


I must trust myself and say "Yes" because I have no control over what the universe will provide no more than I have any control of what tomorrow may bring. To say "No" to opportunities would be falling back into the illusion that I can control the universe. 


Polyamory is organic and natural for me. Is it for you? 


Only you can answer that. It takes great strength to maintain polyamorous relationships. This past year I have had many doubts if it is the "right" thing for me. I have witnessed seemingly strong relationships break apart and torn asunder because of Polyamory, the pressure it can bring and the work it entails. 


Practicing polyamory is hard work, but I also know that it is well worth the reward. 


For me having open relationships is Big Love. 

Drop the "Poly" out of "amory"...

Catchy title isn't it? I thought so, but you might not think so when I am done.

It's been about 2 years that I became aware to this way of loving more... Only about a year that I've been comfortable with such a label. So as far as all that is Polyamory I am by far no expert in the matter. I will not cite you statistics and what not, simply my thoughts, feelings and experiences thus far.

Over the last year I have met 35+ men that claim to live and be in a polyamorous relationship with their wife/girlfriend/significant other. Out of those 35 men I have witnessed less than a handfull actually live it and practice it's definition. The other 95% are far from what Polyamory is supposed to be or stand for.

I've heard this called poly fuckery or poly sluttery, cheating, non-monogamy, and open-marriage/relationship. I wish I could ask all of those that would hide behind the Polyamory label as why they feel the need to misrepresent what they are looking for. Far be it for this slut to turn away a great roll in the hay... but then again that's just how I roll. I don't need to love every fella I've fucked or blown, I love a good old fashioned orgasm just as much if not more than the next person.

I just choose to have more, I choose to want more, I choose to love more. It's why I chose to try on this label of Polyamorous in the first place. It seemed to fit. I suppose I am greedy, wanting the sex and the love, but hey I can dream can't I?

After a year, all the fucking and sucking, I still can only count 0 active polyamorous relationships under my belt. Perhaps this would discredit my whole view, as I stated above this is based on my experiences thus far. For me it is a lifestyle choice, it is a love-style, it is not the equivalent to my sexual orientation, which in and of itself can be as open as my heart and mind.

I can say that being with a married man is a hell of a lot easier than being with a single man. At least with a married man, I can enjoy the fun parts & sex, and not have the drama. I currently enjoy this now with my soldier friend, for the last 3 years, we have enjoyed each others friendship, as well as each others sex. It is far from a romantic love interest. I dare say he is like fucking my best friend.

In contrast, some of the single men I have dealt with, they have wanted to own some piece of me or all of me. As if they were scaling a mountain and wanting to plant a flag in my arse as a sign of ownership. Then when I object to the limited exclusivity, they say I cannot commit to a real relationship. WTF is up with that bullshit? Must I be owned in order to receive love and intimacy in a relationship?

Most monogamous men I have met cannot commit to a relationship. What is so threatening about Polyamory & Loving more than one person?

I tell you with some of my friendships I have more commitment and depth within them than any romantic relationship I've ever had. These friendships are more polyamorous than my sexual encounters with various self identifying Polyamorous men. The friendships I wouldn't change ever, but my sexual encounters need to if I am to ever be happy and fulfilled.

I can also tell you that since I have been exploring Polyamory, I have had more one night stands under the guise of this label. (Yes I am that gullible at times. I want to believe the best of everyone, even the bad ones who would hide behind the label.) It is almost as if I am a sampler platter, knock off a little piece to see if you like the flavor. I have come to the conclusion that if I keep this up, there may be nothing left of me one day because I am all sampled out. Which is why I will conclude with this for now....

I am dropping the poly for now and going in for the amory -
by this I mean while I will remain non-monogamous I will continue to love more. Honestly for me it is about the love, and the potential for love to be multiplied on so many levels that has put me to where I am today.

Yes Sir, may I please have another?

My Redneck Zen Master once told me that I must become what I seek in another.

What I understand this to mean is: That if I seek love, I must love myself. If I seek compassion, I must be compassionate. If I seek romance, then I must be romantic. If I seek trust, I must trust myself. If I seek authenticity, then I must be authentic.

Pretty sound logic in my book, and something that is a work in progress for me. I must say I am a better person than I was well over 2 years ago. (Wow time zips by when you're having fun or going through hell!)

As my mind mulls this nugget over, I look at the latest string of encounters I have had and I wonder what in the hell has attracted me to them (or they to me)? Why did I not see the tell-tale signs and the warning bells & whistles? Is my judgement that off? Am I that fucked up? Or are they just that good at hiding their true self?

This last one hid his illness for 3 years, and then BAMOLA! It's like an old maneuver I learned from hand-to-hand combat called "Butt stroke to the head"You never see it coming until your flat on your arse seeing stars singing "O say can you see!"

I am one who nurtures. No, I am not a slave, nor am I submissive. However I have this need to serve others and nurture. It is, I think, the only thing I miss about being married or being in service. The nurturing, I find, is fulfilling and satisfying to know that others have benefitted from me.

I want/need with all my heart to be "in love" and to nurture. Is this need making me blind? Is it fucking up my judgement so much that I cannot see clearly?

I guess time will tell, experiences happen, and I will continue on nurturing myself, my friendships and those that I love.

I have to trust myself to remain vulnerable, and remind myself that making a mistake is not a weakness, but a strength. Mistakes are just tools that help me to move forward on my path.

I have the courage to continue.
I have the strength to love.
I have the stubbornness to just be....

^..^

Pinch Me!?

It's been some time... well, actually a very long time, since I have....

While I am afraid to feel too hopeful or too excited or too loved where is this bar? Who in the fuck set it? I need to have a word with them.

How do I tell if I am too much of anything?

This time feelings are reciprocated.
This time the intensity is matched.
This time he is into me as much as I am into him.
This time can I string together days where I don't go and fuck shit up?

I am afraid of falling. It hurts when you hit bottom. There is love and then there is this... this thing... this flutter ... this OMFG Can I REALLY Feel this way? and have him not run away or reject me?

So far...with the secrets I have shared, my soul I have bared...he still wants me in his bed, within his reach, stroking my skin, making me sigh, and he hasn't rejected me, he hasn't been appalled by my wants dreams and desires.

It's new, it's shiny, it's surreal, it's this girls dream, it's full of hope, and my cup is brimming and about to run over and spill out...

I hope...
I dream...
I love...

Compersion, Intimacy & Empathy

Laying awake at night I ponder various things... like these: Compersion, Intimacy and Empathy.


These 3 words, these 3 states of "feeling", if you will, are fairly new to me. Perhaps I had felt one or the other in the past, but never fully acknowledged their existence let alone have a name for them.


Now that I have experienced these within my current relationships and friendships, I sincerely believe that I can not exist without them both now and in the future. I am loath to pick up the armor I once carried. Its heavy and burdensome. 


Sure, I am single, yes I am polyamorous, yes I am a slut. I've been told I am kinky, and I've even enjoyed sex with a woman! Does this mean I will seek out relationships with every person who has a pulse? No. Does this mean I will fuck anyone? No. My relationships don't need sex to exist, they don't need validation of a marriage or a contract. All they need are these three ingredients. 


I am not seeking to be possessed nor do I wish to possess any of my partners or friends.


I am not seeking for someone to "complete" me, nor do I wish to "complete" them. I am a whole woman, not half a woman. I would prefer to deal with a whole person myself.


I do beg to ask a simple question though: Do you think it is possible to have these 3 things; compersion, intimacy & empathy, even after the relationship or friendship ends? If so is it healthy for you to have them? 


For reference here are my working definitions:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.


Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.


Empathy is the capacity to share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being through consciousness rather than physically. Empathy develops the ability to have compassion towards other beings.

What does it say when...

You are asked to compromise your values, morals, needs and wants for the love and acceptance of another?


Does it reflect poorly upon you if you fail to reach a compromise?


Is it fair to have invested time, emotion, intimacy and love in someone only to be told that we can never be friends again, because I refuse to compromise those values, morals and needs? 


I am dealing with my own vulnerability. 


I am dealing with being broken hearted and being okay with having a broken heart. I am trying not to go back to being a jaded, bitter, and hardened soul.


I lay awake wondering if this would be the last opportunity I could ever have had, but it was too much to sacrifice to fulfill the role I was asked to play.


Now not only have I lost a friend, but I have lost love.


I don't blame them, they told me upfront what they were after. In the beginning I told them what I was after and in hindsight each of us wanted two separate things from the onset.  


In the end I am the one that decided the price was too high. I am the one that said "no". I am the one that tried to compromise myself all in the name of love. 


I am a very loving person, very vulnerable, very gullible, and in many ways so very innocent & naive. Which if you were to subscribe to societies views, it would be perceived as a horrible thing to live this way...


I say FUCK SOCIETY!


This is who I am, and I am not afraid of being vulnerable. I will stumble, I will fall, I will fuck things up to the n'th degree, but in the end I will be living an authentic life because that is who I choose to be.

This fact alone makes me 50 feet tall and bullet proof!

Moving Boxes...

I have been opening, unpacking and moving boxes for the last 12 months or so. Some of these boxes are inside of my mind, some of the boxes are physical belongings from my move from place to place.

I get really tired of doing this over and over, but it seems I will more than likely spend the rest of my life in motion. 

Is that such a bad thing?

I have unpacked a few things only to realize I have no place for them, so I pack it all back into the box, shove it in a corner to be unpacked another day. 

Procrastination?

Other boxes I have taken "this or that" out of necessity and closed the box only to return it to the shelf. After all I got what I needed out of it, and someday perhaps I will need the rest of what's in the box. 

Does this make me a pack rat?

I have days where I just want to empty the contents of the boxes and toss the boxes away. 


I have days where I want to just throw out the boxes full of stuff from my past. 

Could it be genuine fear that keeps me from doing either of these things?

Perhaps.

I have finally found a voice in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust, from 3 decades of abuse and neglect. One of the boxes I unpacked recently was full of courage. Put those two together and I have found I can do just about anything I set my mind to. 

Can you imagine me being able to say No? 

I can tell you I have had to learn how & when to say "No".

One box that I had been eyeing for some time was owned by someone else... I was looking to put myself in that very box as property. That box got too small too fast. I've found that while my life may be full of boxes, I am not meant to be in one. 

Is this a bad thing? 

It could have been, but now I have chosen not to find out.

I wonder around here from this forum to that forum reading & observing, pondering the mistakes I've made, the losses I've had, and the great gains I've earned. I have been able to conclude that I am not fit for "slavery" anymore than I can fit in a small box. While it works for many of you out there, I've found it personally will not work for me. 

I will eventually tear out the seams or fall through the bottom of that box.

I have learned that I can only give service when I personally "have" something to give emotionally/physically. 

What good is giving away an empty box?

I have learned that my sexuality is fluid. I don't just fuck/lick/suck anything or anyone, I can be quite picky and intimacy is a HUGE turn on for me. 

It's not about the size or shape of the box for me. 

I have also pondered my masochistic tendancies and found I tend "use" physical pain. I use it as a form of catharsis. I don't enjoy pain one bit, it doesn't "get me off" in that manner. For me receiving pain has to be on my terms and no one else's for it to be useful and effective. 

Masochism = My Cold Box

My sex and my pain are two separate experiences for me, and I enjoy my sex way too much to really mix the two. 

Sex = My Hot Box

I do have many sadistic thoughts, I have been able to experiment with those. They are a very dark part of myself that I still try to keep in a box, and can only let it out to play when so inclined and the energy is right.

Sadism = My Pandora's Box

I have learned more about polyamory, and have found that for me, being single & poly, my "primary" relationship is with myself. I am not "wired" for patriarchal type relationships. I have learned that I can have that love and intimacy I need with many others on so many different levels. It's natural for me to love more, to embrace more and "be" more. In order to not compromise my personal authenticity I have found I must stick to egalitarian-type relationships.

I have had to "move into" being this confident and comfortable with who I am. 

I still have many boxes to unpack, and slowly but surely someday I shall be home. 

^..^ 

Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Living, Learning, Laughing, & Loving....

(original entry February 2010)

These four things I could not "be" without. They are becoming my life blood, the force that keeps me going and getting through another day.

I am evolving, I am changing, but yet I am finding I am the same person just with "upgrades". Knocking down the preconceptions and thoughts I previously had on many things from kink, to sex, to polyamory, and beyond. No longer will I be locking myself in the closet when it comes to the exploration of my spirit and mind.

I am learning to just "be" and it is one hell of a trip and a half to learn things about myself that have always been there, just never nourished. Well break out the fertilizer, because new ideas are taking root and it is time to grow.

I have a song in my heart, and warmth in my soul. It is a wondrous experience this exploration of oneself. There is no where on earth I would rather be than to be right here, right now, being who I am, loving who I love, serving those I love, with an open heart, mind & spirit.

Welcome to my world. Fasten your seat belts, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, sit back and enjoy the ride, I know I sure as hell am :)

(original entry February 2010)