Want in one hand... Shit in the other... is it scat play?

My mother used to have two different sayings that she loved to remind me of on almost a daily basis:

"You've got 'want' in one hand and 'shit' in the other. See which one fills up first."

"What you 'want' and what you 'get' are two different things."

I have only been actively exploring the world of BDSM & Kink for a little over a year and a half. It has introduced me to many things. Shown me so many different aspects to living and loving. For the experience and the people I have met I am grateful.

It also opened up a door to a path called "Polyamory". Seeing the different type of loving and open dynamics around me, until January of 2010 I had never thought I would have the capacity to love more than one. Turns out I am full of this thing called Love and I can be honest and open about it.


So I had continued down this little tangent path called Open Relationships or Polyamory. In my "want" I pictured finding a primary eventually, and going forward and exploring many more relationships, living laughing and loving. Again, this is in my want category.


Just recently, I have been presented with an opportunity with a couple who I can fall in love with so deeply, however, what they want is a Poly "closed". I spent a weekend with them. I loved it, I felt warm and fuzzy, I found new fetishes and explored a few feelings that I thought weren't there. I felt love, I felt belonging, I felt synergy.


While I have experienced this with them in a weekend, and they wish to make it a lifetime, I cannot help but wonder, why settle? That's what I would be doing, wouldn't it?
Settling and not knowing what I might have missed out on? I am much like a child that way... since I left my bad marriage, I have always promised myself that I will never again do two things with the rest of my life: 
#1 being  Marriage - this will never happen again for me.
#2 being Settling - settling for what I have vs. trying to better myself and continuing evolving and growing. 


I have taken a lot of time working on me, trying to live my life authentically, being disillusioned. My biggest fear is that I will never have what I want, and I will give in and settle for something I really don't want to be.


It is tough to love openly, honestly with most of the men around me being taught that societal patriarch is the "norm" and I am just a slut not seemingly worthy of true love. Most men don't really get it. So few understand that while yeah a fuck and suck would be nice... but I need the intimacy to go with it. I need the true and honest friendship, not just a "booty call".

I am conflicted, fore I do honestly and openly love this couple, but fear that commitment will take me back to an old illusion archetype that I have worked so hard to free myself from. This commitment would also require me to pull up what little roots I have and move even further away from any semblance of friends & family that I do have. I would have to quit a job that I love very much. 


Is love really worth that much? This is the question I have to find an answer to. Is happiness really worth giving up all that you know? "Yes!" you may cry... but lets get real folks... would you really??? Color me a skeptic, but I highly doubt that most of you would.


I don't yet know the answers... I am not sure if I will ever know. How do I tell them that? And more importantly will they wait for me to find the answers?

Thoughts...

(Original entry May 2010)

"It is not only for unanswered questions that we seek knowledge, but also for the examination of unquestioned answers."

This is something I have been practicing more and more every day. Running answers through my filter... surprisingly it has revealed so much of who I am to myself. How is it I never thought to do this before? Have you ever questioned what you are told about issues, politics & religion or have you just accepted it as a truth?

"Through pain and not getting what I want and expect, I learn the most about my attachments and about myself, and thus I can grow."

This is a lesson that I have spent my whole life thus far learning the hard way. I wonder why it is I only just came to realize the wisdom in it.

"Suffering may force a new perspective and perception about what is reality. It can weaken the ego through repeated frustration just enough to allow a giving up or surrendering, which opens the person to the possibility of transcending his or her previous belief systems and levels of consciousness."

I really liked this for some reason. Who knows, maybe it will have a deeper meaning, perhaps it will mean nothing at all. All I know is that I no longer carry deep seated guilt and shame.

(Original entry May 2010)